Disrespectful Child Behavior: Where Do You Draw the Line?
by James Lehman, MSW
I believe that when kids engage in mildly rebellious expressions of frustration, it’s a sign that you clearly have the authority.
I look at it this way: when your child rolls his eyes and stomps up the stairs, it’s fairly harmless. It’s very different from saying, “You’re a jerk. You can’t make me. I don’t care what the rules are, I’m not doing it!” Make no mistake, there is a distinction between eye-rolling and your child shouting, “You’re stupid.” I think parents need to really understand this difference at a core level.
Many parents I’ve worked with through the years didn’t know where to draw the line when it came to their child’s disrespectful behavior. When their teen or pre-teen expressed themselves in mildly rebellious ways, it frightened them. They would sit in my office and say, “If I don’t stop my teen’s eye-rolling, next she’ll be calling me a jerk.” I’d usually reply, “Well, the question is, did she ever call you a jerk in the past? If she didn’t, don’t worry about it. And if she does in the future, hold her accountable.” It’s as simple as that.
By the way, I understand that parents are often afraid things are going to get more difficult with their adolescents. If you’re parenting a teen or pre-teen, you’re probably living with the fear that things can get worse; as we all know, kids in that age group can be very moody and stubborn. It’s such a delicate balance during adolescence: while it’s important to allow for the natural “breaking away” process that comes during the teen years, parents also have to be sure to identify and challenge any truly disrespectful behavior that is hurtful, rude or demeaning to others.
Don’t Take it Personally
Respect, disrespect and compliance are often issues that become entangled between parents and kids. Here’s how I see it: parents have a right to expect compliance from all the children who are living in their house, even if that child is 22 years old. Often, the friction is caused by an adolescent’s legitimate need to become more independent as he develops. This is precisely where parents and teens come into conflict: the parent wants compliance and the adolescent wants independence. Now let’s take it one step further: When the adolescent doesn’t comply, the parent feels disrespected—and they make the mistake of personalizing that feeling.
I think that teens have to learn to solve the problem of compliance in healthy ways. But parents also need to understand that many times, their child’s small acts of rebelliousness come from the fact that they want to be independent—it has nothing to do with disrespect.
Here’s an example. Let’s say a teenager is late for curfew. The parent says, “Why are you late?” The kid gives them some excuse, and the parent asks, “Well, why didn’t you call?” The adolescent replies, “Well, I didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of my friends.” The parent comes back with, “Well, you’re not going out Friday night as a result; you have to take more responsibility to be on time and to call if you’re going to be late.” While giving the child this consequence is fair, if the parent then says, “You have no right to disrespect me that way” and they take it personally, they’re on the wrong track.
One of the biggest mistakes parents can make is to take their child’s behavior personally. The truth is, you should never fall into that trap because the teenager next door is doing the same thing to his parents, and your cousin’s daughter is doing the same thing to her parents. Your role is to just deal with your child’s behavior as objectively as possible. When parents don’t have effective ways to deal with these kinds of things, they may feel out of control and get scared—and often overreact or under react to the situation. When they overreact, they become too rigid, and when they under react, they ignore the behavior or tell themselves it’s “just a phase.” Either way, it won’t help your child learn to manage his thoughts or emotions more effectively, and be more respectful.
Generally, I recommend that parents ignore the mildly disrespectful things that their kids do. We’ve talked about eye rolling and stomping up the stairs, but I would also include things like muttering about how life isn’t fair, sighing dramatically or even slamming their bedroom door on occasion.
When my son was a teen-ager, there were times when we’d tell him to do something and he’d walk up the stairs to his room mumbling, “Man, I hate this garbage.” We allowed that display of emotion because we weren’t threatened by it. My wife and I would simply look at each other and chuckle after he’d left and say, “Yeah, yeah, whatever—just go do your homework.” I personally think that kids need to be able to express their frustration about living within a family and following its rules. So I advise parents to tolerate that type of behavior. After all, your adolescent needs to learn how to have feelings and opinions of his own, and he has to have a safe place in which he can express his frustration—and sometimes you’ll see him do this in very immature ways.
By the way, there were parents with whom I’ve worked who didn’t have the tolerance to allow that kind of behavior. They felt that it was a threat to their authority, and they ended up challenging it at every turn. But I believe that if your teenager is otherwise managing his life—getting good enough grades, being a good enough kid, not doing criminal or anti-social things, not doing high risk things—that type of behavior isn’t a threat to the parents’ authority at all. Rather, I believe that when kids engage in mildly rebellious expressions of frustration, it’s a sign that you clearly have the authority. Think of it this way: it’s not a challenge to your authority, it’s an expression of frustration about your authority. That means the ball is in your court. There’s no reason to throw it to your child and give power to their annoying—but harmless—behavior.
Disrespectful Child Behavior Parents Should NOT Ignore
Make no mistake, when true disrespect is directed toward a specific parent or sibling and it’s demeaning and rude, it has to be dealt with immediately. If your child doesn’t see where that line between disrespect and mild rebelliousness is, sit down with them when things are going well and say, “Listen, if you want to stomp up the stairs because you’re frustrated and you think things aren’t fair, that’s okay with me. But if you start calling people names and being rude to family members, you’re going to be held accountable for that behavior. So, don’t go too far.”
If you’ve noticed that your child has already crossed the line and is behaving in an increasingly disrespectful manner, you can say, “Look, there’s a line that I think you’re crossing when you talk to us. If you want to roll your eyes and say “Whatever,” that’s fine with me. I don’t want to fight with you about that. But name calling, blaming, and yelling are not acceptable. You are responsible not to do those things.” Always put these ideas together for your kids: responsibility, accountability, and consequences. What that looks like is, “You’re responsible to behave a certain way. I’m going to hold you accountable for that behavior, and there will be consequences if you don’t take responsibility for it.” Just complete that circle for your child so they can see the relationship between these three important ideas.
Here’s an example. Let’s say your teenage son has called his sister a rude or hurtful name, and you’ve sent him to his room. When things have calmed down, sit down with him and say, “You know, I’ve been hearing you say disrespectful things to your sister. And I just want to remind you that if you’re rude or hurtful to her, it’s as bad as being disrespectful to me. And the consequence for that kind of behavior is…” And let him know what is going to happen.
You: “You know the consequences for disrespectful behavior in this house. I’m taking your phone away until you’re not disrespectful for four hours. You’ve got a chance to get it back a half hour before bedtime, so don’t blow it.”
Your child: “Whatever. I’m going to bed anyway.”
You: “OK, that’s fine with me. We can start the clock when you wake up.”
Your child: “That’s not fair! I need my phone tomorrow.”
You: “That’s not my problem. My problem is, how do I get you to stop talking to your sister that way? And your problem is, why are you using disrespect as a way to deal with your negative feelings? And believe me, calling your sister names doesn’t solve that problem in an effective way. That’s not acceptable in this home.”
Note that the parent here took her son’s phone away for a relatively short period of time—four hours. I believe that’s better than taking it for a day or two because now, the parent has the child working to get it back. The teen has to focus on the new behavior of being respectful—or at least not being rude and disrespectful—in order to earn back his cell phone. In doing this, you’re creating a pathway for better behavior, and you’re working toward a culture of accountability and respect in your home.
A Final Word: Respect Begins at Home
Respect begins at home. If you want your children to be respectful, you have to be respectful, too. Let’s make no bones about that. If you call your kids names, if you yell at others in a condescending way, if you make derogatory remarks to your spouse, don’t be surprised if your child behaves the same way. You’re modeling that behavior for him. Parents who tell their children, “Don’t do as I do, do as I say,” are just creating the kind of double standard that breeds negativity and resentment. Let’s face it, if you’re doing something yourself, it gets very complicated when you ask your child to stop. Believe me, kids know hypocrisy when they see it.
An ineffective parent is a person who expects their kids to do things that they’re not willing to do themselves. You have to live your values. If you value respect, then you’ve got to behave respectfully.
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents.
Are You Afraid of Your Acting-Out Child? Part 1: Why Giving in is a Dead End
by James Lehman, MSW
"Now you’re negotiating on your child’s terms; your fear that he's going to act out is going to dictate how much you give in."
All parents experience fear for their kids. They worry about their children getting sick, doing well in school, and whether or not they’ll be able to get a job and succeed in life. Being afraid for your kids is very normal, but being afraid of your kids is a phenomenon that has developed over the past several decades, and something that parents need to look at closely. And by the way, sometimes these two fears are actually tied together—fears about their child being able to make it in life actually will cause some parents to think they have to give in more; they become a cushion for their kids because mastering life skills seems so difficult for their child. But let me be clear: that’s exactly what you don’t want to do.
When a child is two or three, he learns to respond by saying “no” all the time. He starts resisting and asserting his individuality from his mother and father and often manages his anger and frustration by throwing temper tantrums. Some parents learn that you just have to wait those tantrums through, but others begin to worry that they're not able to manage their child or that they are not in control. Others worry that if they don’t give in—if they say “no” to their child—their child won’t love them anymore. In effect, these parents become afraid of their child’s acting-out behavior and are held hostage by it. They get worn down and often begin caving in to inappropriate demands as they try to appease their child instead of remaining firm and waiting the tantrum out.
So their young child develops a pattern of acting out because it works for him—it gives him power and gets him what he wants. When the tantrum happens in public, the parent feels embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed. When it happens in private, they feel stuck in this negative cycle with their child: they're alone in the house and their child is screaming and yelling and kicking. Their life seems crazy and out of control, but they don’t know how to stop it without caving in to their child.
These kids soon learn to blackmail their parents with the threat of throwing a tantrum. Pretty soon, the parent starts giving in as soon as their child starts to signal that they're going into a tantrum: maybe their child’s voice escalates or becomes shrill, or maybe they stomp their feet and scream “no.” Once that happens, a very serious pattern has begun. Now the child has actually trained the parent to give in to their demands, no matter what. If your child knows he can get you to give in by behaving inappropriately or destructively, he's going to learn to give you those cues. It’s just like being in a play: when you get your cue, you're going to read your lines: “It’s OK, don’t do that, I'll get you the toy.” Or you're going to bribe him: “Well, if you can hold off for five minutes, then I'll get you a candy bar in the car.” What you're really doing is negotiating on your child’s terms; your fear that he's going to act out or that you can't handle the tantrum is going to dictate how much you give in.
And by the way, parents don't know this pattern is forming while it’s happening. This is not a conscious thing where people say “I'm going to give in to my kid and then he's going to become a monster.” They’re saying, “Oh man, I can't handle this right now.” And their child learns from that lesson that when you can't handle something, he'll get what he wants. So his goal then, when he wants something and you tell him no, is to set up situations you can't handle. Remember, this is not a moral issue for your child: it's not about being good or evil. Your child is not really conscious of the effects of his behavior other than it gets him his way. Children, like all living things, learn to take the easy way out. The important thing is not to blame your child or assign diabolical motives to his behavior.
It is important to realize that if your child is using inappropriate behavior to get his way, it's not a phase that will magically stop when he turns ten or twelve or even fifteen. That pattern of behavior may continue on through adolescence and into young adulthood.
Are You Afraid of Your Acting Out Child?
Part II: 7 Ways to Get Back Parental Authority
by James Lehman, MSW
Most people aren’t afraid of their children; rather, they’re afraid of their child’s behavior. It’s important to understand that this fear undermines your authority as a parent because it’s hard to set limits successfully when you’re afraid. You lose more of your authority each time you give in after your child has acted out. And as soon as he realizes that, you’ll only have the authority he gives you. You may get him to bed on time, he may eat his dinner and get ready for school, but those will be the things he’s allowed you to have authority over.
These kids tend to gravitate toward a “no accountability” way of life, where “no accountability” equals “no authority.” And in order for your child’s system to work for him, he has to keep all the authorities around him in check. Soon this becomes one of his primary goals in life.
You may get him to bed on time, he may eat his dinner and get ready for school, but those will be the things he’s allowed you to have authority over.
In my opinion, even though you might have fears about your child’s acting-out behavior, you need to learn how to deal with those thoughts and feelings so they don't have power over you—that they don't dictate your behavior. So while you may be afraid your child is going to throw a tantrum, don't let that fear derail your decision to be firm. Remember, it's not what you're afraid of, it's how much power you give that fear. I don’t know if people truly ever “master their fears,” but I think that over time, the fear of your child acting out will have less power over you if you stick to a game plan of setting limits and holding your child accountable.
By the way, when you decide that you're going to start dealing with your child’s pattern of acting out behavior, first of all, get ready for a war. Your child is not going to believe it; in fact, he's going to think that if he just tantrums a little harder or a little more, you'll give in. That’s because you've given in for so long; you've trained him how to treat you. Some of us train our kids to treat us respectfully. Others of us, through no fault of our own, train our kids to act out more in order to get their way.
Here are some of the important rules I taught parents who were afraid of setting off their child:
- Come up with a Game Plan
The first thing I recommend is to come up with a game plan of what you're going to do when your child starts to escalate. Decide how you're going to handle tantrums and acting out in the future. Ask yourself, “What am I going to do about this now? What's going to be different in my behavior, my response?” Write a list for yourself. It might include things like, “I won’t back down when my child starts screaming. I’ll leave the store if my child throws a tantrum. I will give my child consequences and set limits.”
And then get ready for some long tantrums. Make no mistake, there will be a fierce battle for a while. Things will get better, but be prepared for your child to test you and test you and test you. Get ready for the tantrums and acting out to increase in intensity and frequency. That’s because your child is thinking, “If I just do this a little more, maybe she'll give in.” You trained him to do that; you've colluded with him in making this work, and now you're going to have to do some work to undo it. In end, the behavior will change—it may re-emerge at different times, but you just handle it the same way.
- Explain How Things Are Going to Change
When things are going well, tell your child what you’re going to do when he acts out or throws a tantrum. Say “Hey, I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I've been thinking that you’re really too old to throw tantrums now. So from now on, when you do that, this is what I'm going to do.” And you tell them what consequences they will get. You can also say, “When you're in a tantrum or acting out, I'm not going to give in, I'm going to let you go through your tantrum. When you're done, then we can resume what we were doing. That means you're not going to get that toy or that candy bar just because you yell and scream and kick your feet.” Or for older kids, “I’m not going to give in to you just because you punch a hole in the wall or scream at me.” And I think that parents should articulate that information to their kids no matter how old they are. If your child is very young, he might not understand at first, but it will help you as a parent to focus. If your child does understand it, then he knows what to expect. When parents consistently tell their young kids what will happen, the tantrums often diminish in frequency and intensity by the time the child is three or four. With older kids, talking to them in this way lets them know that you’re the boss now—and that you’re not going to give in to their acting out anymore.
- Let Them Know the Process
Let your child know the process ahead of time. You can say, “Hey, when you tantrum in the store, I'm just going to move about five feet away and I'm just going to watch you tantrum until you're done. I’m going to bring a book with me and if you throw a tantrum I'm going to read it. I'm not going to talk to you or argue with you.” And by the way, bringing a book is really a good thing to do because it shows your child that you won’t be moved by their behavior. It’s like you’re saying, “Hey, have a ball, pal. Dance around on the floor all you want, I'm just going to read my magazine.” It takes the power away from your child’s inappropriate behavior, and that’s exactly what you want to do.
- After Your Child Has Acted Out
After your child has had a tantrum, it’s a good time to have a little talk with him about what he's going to do differently next time. After your child has behaved inappropriately, that's the most powerful question you can ask. Not “How did you feel?” or even “Why did you do that?” The only real thing you want to get out of it is for your child to come up with some other ways of handling his anger or frustration. In this way, your child also has a little game plan to fall back on. When you help your child develop another response to that situation, he will learn problem-solving skills he can use for the rest of his life.
- Don’t Let Fear of Judgment Control You
Most parents have fears that other parents are judging them when their child acts out, so they do things to appease the child so they’ll behave. I think that’s a mistake. Realize this: people are going to judge you. People judge each other about all kinds of things all day long. But here’s the deal: you're trying to raise your child so he can learn the life skills he needs to be successful. If you let your fear of criticism and judgment control you, you're not going to be able to accomplish your task of raising your child effectively.
- Don’t Give in When Your Child Says, “I Hate You!”
Fear that your child won’t love you if you set limits on him is something many parents have a hard time with, especially when their child is old enough to say, “I don't love you; I hate you!” But, again, if you give that behavior power, you're not going to change their behavior. If you don't give it power and instead understand that it's just a stage kids go through, you won’t be influenced to back down. Realize that your child is either going to love you or they're not. And kids love their parents; it’s instinctual. If your child says they don’t love you, instead of getting upset, try saying, “Maybe you don’t love me right now. But you still have to do your homework.”
- Get Outside Help
I recommend that you get some outside help when dealing with this issue. The simple truth is that you can't trust your willpower alone to get you through. Willpower is fine when it works—but as we all know, it doesn't always work. Try to get a support system in place, whether that's training, effective parenting classes, books you read, programs in your home, counseling, or a support group. You should have some outside support. Using The Parental Support Line in conjunction with The Total Transformation Program is an ideal way to get the help you need with this problem. It’s good to make the commitment to change, but in my opinion it's much more important to get the tools from outside and then try to use them one day at a time. And give yourself a break: realize that some days are going to be easier than others.
- Appeal to the Authorities
For parents of kids who are being physically abusive, destroying property or engaging in other dangerous behaviors, make no mistake: you need to take stronger action. The sooner you can get your child into the juvenile justice system, the better. Although the wheels of justice turn slowly, your child will eventually get a probation officer who will then hold him more accountable than you can. So when your child doesn't go to school, he will have to answer to his probation officer as well as to you. If he misses school enough, hopefully the probation officer will put him in the youth center for a week. The parents of some of the kids I worked with had a probation officer behind them who'd lock their child up in the youth center for a weekend if he or she didn't follow through on things. While this is a step that some parents aren’t willing to take, I will tell you that those kids changed. They started going to school; they stopped hurting others and damaging property. Their behavior changed because there was an accountability system in place that didn't let them slide.
In the thirty years I worked with kids, I saw families make progress all the time. They stopped letting their child get away with murder and box them in, and instead worked toward the goal of helping them learn new skills. Remember that no family is perfect. People make progress, fall back, make progress, and fall back. But in the long run, families changed and these kids learned other coping skills.
Some people say that the parents are the problem, but I don’t think that’s right. I think parents are the solution, and they need training and support.
If a child has successfully used inappropriate behavior at home, you will often see them trying it out at school. After all, if their strategy works on their parents, why shouldn’t it work on their teachers, too? In kindergarten and first grade if they don't get their way they may escalate. They may tantrum, call people names, throw things on the floor and walk around in the classroom when they’re supposed to be sitting down. It's important to note that for a significant number of children, the classroom structure that teachers utilize will be sufficient to change some of these behaviors.
I’ve found that many of these kids also have a learning disability or some other factor that interferes with their ability to learn to solve problems. Think of it this way: if you have dyslexia, Attention Deficit Disorder or auditory processing problems, you might perceive the world as a threatening place. For these kids, it’s often much harder to learn how to solve social problems through reasonable negotiating, being patient, and learning how to accept no for an answer. So what tends to happen is they solve their problems by acting out—and that becomes their one default skill. They've developed this one trick: “Agree with me or face my crappy behavior.” And that can become their strategy for solving all problems. “Give me my way or face my crappy behavior.” They do this in school, at home, and on the bus and as long as it works, they will continue to use it. Not only is the child controlling others with his behavior, he’s not learning the problem-solving skills that he desperately needs to learn to be able to make it in life. If everyone around him is backing down, all he’s learning is how to threaten and intimidate others through fear.
How This Affects Your Family
Realize that if you have one child who controls the house with inappropriate behavior, this is not just your problem: it's also a problem for your other children. Make no mistake, dealing with an acting-out sibling can have a great and long-lasting influence on your other kids’ personalities. When siblings don’t know when, how or why their brother or sister is going to explode, it’s overwhelming and scary because they can’t control it. What often happens in these cases is that kids develop their own sub-type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They will learn not to show their feelings. They may hide out in their rooms and submerge their emotions. That's because in their world, it's not safe for them to do so. It's not safe to show your feelings; it's not safe to say how you feel. After all, their sibling could explode and take it out on them at any given moment. So these kids wind up very flat emotionally; there seems to be no joy in their lives. There are things parents can do to correct these destructive patterns, but nonetheless, it's hard on everybody. [Editor’s note: for more on this topic, read James Lehman’s article, ”The Lost Children: When Behavior Problems Traumatize Siblings”.]
When parents used to come to me with this problem, I’d say, “We’re going to come up with a plan to change what’s happening in your house. Let's figure out some things for you to do when things get tough so you can empower and support yourself.” I think it’s nearly impossible for people to try to rely on willpower alone to change their parenting style. Here’s the truth: their child’s behavior wasn't going to change unless the parents’ behavior changed. I believe if you work at it, things will change; and if you don't, things will stay bad or get worse. The kid who's throwing a tantrum today is going to be throwing your chair across the room in ten years. And that's how he ups the ante as he gets older. Most kids escalate; it's a natural progression. They have to be more intimidating. When you're 13, it's very awkward to lie on the floor and throw a tantrum. It's much easier to throw something across the room and hit the wall. You see these kids punch holes in walls all the time; that is the evolution of their tantrum. Certainly as they get older, the intimidation becomes more real. There are kids who hit and push their parents. There are kids who intentionally break and damage things around the house. There are kids who hit their siblings or hurt them emotionally by calling them foul names. And make no mistake, this becomes a very real problem.
If your child has trained you to be afraid of him and back down when he acts out, realize that whatever authority you had originally has diminished over time. When these kids are really in flower—when they're really showing who they are—you can't tell them anything. They'll tell you to kiss their butts. You can't tell them when to come in at night; if you put them in their room, they’ll climb out their window. Basically, they’ll come and go as they please and they’ll say, “You can't stop me.” The sad part is that unless you change the way you parent and start holding them accountable, they’re right.
In next week’s article, James Lehman will give you 7 tips on how to stop living in fear of your child’s inappropriate behavior—and learning how to start parenting more effectively.
Young Kids Acting Out in School: The Top 3 Issues Parents Worry about Most
by Dr. Joan Simeo Munson
If you’re the parent of a young child who acts out at school, you’ve probably asked yourself, “If my child is out of control now, how will I be able to deal with him when he’s ten—or a teenager?” Once a toddler or kindergartner becomes known as a child who “plays too rough” or “always has to have his way,” parents often find that invitations to playdates and birthday parties begin to dry up. Instead of hoping your child will be well-liked at school, you might be saying to yourself, “If only Ben could find just one friend to play with—and maintain that friendship for longer than a day!”
“If my child is out of control now, how will I be able to deal with him when he’s ten—or a teenager?”
Let me start by saying that many of the difficult behaviors your young child displays— including pushing, hitting, and refusing to share and take turns—are perfectly normal for their developmental level. While you still need to address those issues, I think it’s helpful to understand that they are very common amongst young kids—and you are certainly not alone in what you are dealing with. I personally believe that one of the keys to helping your young child improve their behavior at school lies in having them work on this same behavior at home. The good news is that as a parent, you are in the best position to coach, teach and hold them accountable for their behavior.
In my experience, of all the issues parents have concerns about when it comes to young kids at school, these three tend to be the most common—and the ones parents worry about most:
Nobody wants their child to hit, yell, or play too roughly with others, but it’s important to realize that this is typical in young children—in part because most toddlers and kindergartners still lack adequate verbal skills to deal with their emotions. For a young child, reasoning through a situation when they are upset can be very challenging, if not altogether impossible. And for many kids, hitting, pushing and yelling are the best problem solving skills they have at their fingertips. This is not to say you should excuse aggressive behavior, or that you can’t coach your child to behave appropriately on their own eventually. While it’s important to recognize that what your child is doing is normal, you also need to use rules and consequences to clearly teach them how to stop behaving too aggressively.
What Parents Can Do: It’s up to you to let your child know that their actions will no longer be tolerated. When things are calm, get down on their level, look them in the eye and say, “Hitting, biting, kicking and pushing are wrong and they hurt people.” Be sure to tell them what their consequence will be: “If I see you hurting anyone, or if the teacher tells me you hit someone again at pre-school today, your consequence will be no television when you get home.” Keep the consequences short term and give them to your child as soon as possible after they have behaved inappropriately. Try to have your child spend time with someone close to his age. Watch them closely so that you can see when your child is starting to become upset and coach him in that moment to use his words. Consequences alone will not change his behavior--but using consequences to require your child to practice the skills he needs to develop will change behaviors.
I also believe it’s important to coach your little one to find his voice instead of lashing out at others. Keep in mind that this will require practice and lots of repetition. You can start by teaching your toddler, pre-schooler or kindergartner a saying to use at school or home when they are angry and frustrated. In place of pushing, for example, tell your child to say something like, “I don’t like that!” or “I’m not going to play with you if you take my toys!” Another good thing to do is show your child how to walk away when he is angry or upset. Be sure to role play this with him, and switch roles so he can see how each side might react.
I also recommend that parents work with their child’s teachers as much as possible: let them know you are doing your best to curb aggressive behavior at home. Oftentimes, the teacher will have helpful suggestions for you to try, as well. The important thing is that you get on the same page and try to work together with the school as much as possible.
Ahhh, sharing. This is one of the toughest things you’ll deal with when it comes to young kids, both at home and at school. It’s important for you to remember that your child is at a developmental level that makes sharing extremely difficult. Since sharing with others and taking turns is not a behavior that comes naturally to young children, it’s your job to teach your kids why it is so important. After all, learning how to share is central to a child’s ability to make and keep friends. Keep in mind that you can’t force your kids to share any more than you can force them to eat their broccoli—but through practice, they can learn to do it.
What Parents Can Do: Bear in mind that there are some things your child will not want to (and shouldn’t have to) share: A special treat given to them by their Grandma; a new toy from their birthday party; their favorite stuffed animal or security blanket. It’s okay to say, “I know that’s special to you and you don’t want to share it.” And after all, you probably wouldn’t want to “share” the ring your parents gave you when you graduated from high school, or that brand new pair of dress shoes you just bought.
Of course, there are times when your child needs to share: if they’re hoarding a package of crayons while their best friend is sitting empty-handed, for example, it’s time to intervene. Teach a little empathy by saying, “Jamie, how would you feel if Sarah had all the crayons and wouldn’t give you any? Can you think of how to share your crayons?” Some kids may realize this seems selfish, while others may hold on to those crayons all the more tightly! Feel free to give your child a choice here: “Jamie, you can give Sarah five crayons.” If your child refuses to let go of the crayons, tell her that you will give her ten seconds to release the crayons or you will put her in time-out. The same thinking applies when it’s time to take turns. “Jamie, it's Sarah’s turn to pick a video next. You chose last time.” If a tantrum ensues, your child should face a consequence such as a time-out—or you can leave the play date altogether.
If you hear that your child is having a tough time sharing or taking turns at school, again, let your child’s teacher know that you are working on this specific issue at home, and ask for advice. By the way, I would not give your child a consequence for this when they come home—let the teacher handle it in the classroom. What I would suggest is that you talk to your child in a calm moment about sharing and taking turns. You can say something like, “You know, part of being a good friend is learning how to share. Sometimes it’s a hard thing to do, but taking turns is a big part of playing with someone else and making new friends.” You might also tell them about a time when you had a difficult time taking turns as a child, and how you learned to deal with it. Kids love to hear stories about their parents when they were kids; I’ve found that telling them about your experiences can be very effective in helping them understand the situation and improve their behavior.
I also cannot stress this enough: when you see your child sharing or taking turns nicely, be sure to compliment them and reinforce why it’s important: “I noticed how nicely you were sharing with Connor the other day. It shows that you’re really trying hard to be a good friend. I’m really proud of you.” That positive reinforcement makes all the difference in the world—especially with young kids.
“My Child has a Hard Time Making—and Keeping—Friends.”
Many parents tell me that their kids have difficulties making and keeping friends. Sadly, a child who is demanding or argumentative with other kids often finds himself feeling isolated as a result. And that’s really the natural consequence for this type of behavior—soon, other children just won’t want to play with him anymore.
Kids are aggressive or bossy for many reasons: some get anxious when in groups, while others have not learned proper boundaries or social skills at home. In either case, it’s a good idea to step in and help your child change their behavior as soon as possible.
What Parents Can Do: Start by being honest about what social skills your child lacks, and then make a commitment to help them work through those issues. Many parents tell me that their child observes few boundaries with other kids at school: their child will jump into the middle of games and try to take over, knock down the other students’ Lego buildings, or grab toys from classmates. While again, this type of behavior is normal for this age group, it’s not something you want to go unchecked.
I believe this problem can be resolved in large part by creating better boundaries at home. What that means is, try not to give in if your child whines or pleads, and set firm rules for them. When your child takes over a family dinner conversation or their sibling’s game, remind them that someone else was talking, or that now it’s their brother’s turn to do the puzzle. And follow through on the consequences you have laid out for them. You can say, “You know the consequence for ruining your sister’s game when she has a friend over. You need to go to your room for a time-out and stay there for five minutes.”
I know that parents can become exhausted when dealing with young kids who act out; let’s face it, it’s hard work! But I want to be clear here: it may seem like a small thing in the moment when you fail to be consistent, but consider this: each time you give in when your child acts out, you are setting the stage for future acting out throughout their development. And when you don’t expect them to behave properly within their own relationships at home, the truth is that you are also hindering their ability to act appropriately with their friends at school.
Coaching Your Young Child toward Better Behavior
If you have a young child who acts out at school, realize that he may need some extra coaching as he tries to change his behavior. I recommend that you start by explaining to him what type of behavior you expect him to have. In a calm moment, you can say, “I expect that when you are here at home or with friends at school you will practice sharing, you will not hit, and you will not be bossy.” Rewarding your child for good behavior is also key. I always suggest that parents use a chart at home when they are trying to help improve their child’s behavior, because it is an excellent motivator. The chart might have sections at the top that say, “Plays Nicely with Little Sister”; “Shares and Takes Turns” or “Uses an Inside Voice.” Sit down with your child and show the chart to him—you can even create it together. Be sure to tell him, “If you can do these things, you will get a sticker for your chart each day. When you reach 10 stickers, you’ll get a special surprise.” When your child is able to accomplish these goals, make sure you tell him what a great job he did. Point out specifics like, “I really liked watching you and Gracie take turns with the paints. It seems like you are working hard!” Kids love it when you are aware that they are attempting to change their behavior, and they will try all the harder if they know you’re watching.
If your young child continues to act out with kids at school, let him experience the consequences the teacher doles out, but continue to coach him at home in ways to be less aggressive or bossy. You can also ask his teacher to maintain a “good school behavior chart” –you can even give your child extra points on his chart at home for good behavior there.
Finally, many parents tell me that they often feel their child has been labeled “difficult” by the school which can make the whole family feel like outcasts. If this is your experience, know that it’s never too late to try to improve the situation. Call a meeting with your child’s teacher and state what you are doing for him at home. Let the school know about any outside help your child may be receiving, such as counseling or tutoring. While you can’t control what a teacher thinks of your child, you can at least feel good knowing you are doing everything in your power to help the situation; in my experience that makes all the difference. As a parent, it’s not always easy to help our young children change their behavior, but I believe it’s one of the most important and worthwhile things we will ever do.
When Challenging Behavior Becomes a Problem: Some Guidelines on When to Seek Help
While it is normal for aggressive behavior, bossiness, or refusing to share or take turns to creep into your young child’s life at some point, it is also important to know when to seek outside help. The main criteria for contacting your pediatrician or child mental health expert are:
- When your child’s behavior chronically interferes with the order of the classroom or family to the point of daily disruptions. Is your child’s teacher continually calling you to talk about behavior issues, or asking you to come to school and talk? This would include serious infractions at school, such as punching, kicking, or pushing other kids repeatedly and destroying school property. If the teacher is unable to do his or her job because they are dealing with your child’s behavior issues, it is time to seek outside help.
- When the behavior interferes with your child’s ability to maintain friends. I am not suggesting an inability to be popular or have loads of buddies, but rather, when your child is actively disliked by their peer group or has no connections with other children to the point of isolation. This is a cause for concern which you need to address immediately.
- When the behavior interferes with your child’s ability to understand or grasp schoolwork. Again, I’m not suggesting that struggling with learning to read or being bored with a project in kindergarten means there’s a problem. If, however, your child finds it so hard to concentrate that he or she can’t understand the basic concepts appropriate for their developmental level, talk to his or her pediatrician.
- If you feel you have set all the appropriate limits on your child and they still do not respond. When you set limits, use consequences, coach and teach your child on how to behave and nothing seems to be working, it’s time to seek outside help.
"I'LL DO IT LATER!"6 WAYS TO GET KIDS TO DO CHORES NOW
by James Lehman, MSW
The reason kids don't like doing chores is the same reason adults don't like doing chores: household tasks are generally boring. Let’s face it; the satisfaction of getting the dishes done is not a very big reward in this day and age of video games and instant gratification. While that doesn't mean kids shouldn't do chores, it does help to partly explain why they resist them.
The choice shouldn't be “excitement or chore.” The choice should be “boredom or chore.”
Another big reason is because children feel like they're being taken away from something they’d like to do in order to do something that’s not exciting or stimulating. And most kids don't solve that problem by using their time more efficiently to complete tasks quickly. Instead, you’ll see them showing disinterest and dragging their feet. I think it’s also important to understand that children don't have the same value structure as adults. Most parents feel it's their child's responsibility to get their chores done, not only to help out around the house, but also to share in tasks and responsiblities as part of their role as members of the family. Certainly, kids understand on some level that they should do chores simply because they are part of the family. But as every parent knows, children have a difficult time relating that concept to action.
In my opinion, getting your child to do chores becomes a battle when you allow it to grow into one. If you’re standing over your kids telling them over and over again to “empty the dishwasher, mow the lawn, clean the kitchen”—and they’re digging their heels in and still not complying—you are in that battle, make no mistake about it.
Frankly, I don't like the term nagging because I think it puts a negative spin on what parents are doing—when in reality, it’s not negative at all. When we’re “nagging” our kids, we’re prompting, reminding, and encouraging them to fulfill their responsibilities. And as a parent, it's well within our responsibilities to make sure our children do tasks around the house. In fact, I believe that part of the chore system in your home should include the rule that your child doesn’t need to be nagged. (I’ll explain more about that later.)
Parents generally get caught in a nagging cycle out of habit; we get stuck in repetitive behaviors just like kids do. Personally, I think giving a general reminder is fine. It's perfectly okay for parents to say, “All right guys, let's get to work now.” But after that, they need to get started. The problem with nagging, of course, is that it doesn't work. Far too often, parents continue to do things that don’t work because they don’t have any other options. Once you turn your back on your child, they stop doing their chores—and then you have to get back on top of them, and the whole cycle repeats itself.
If you feel like you’re constantly on top of your kids, trying to get them to do their household chores, here are some effective things you can do to give yourself—and them—a break.
6 Ways to Get Your Kids to Do Their Chores (Without Going Crazy)1) Stop the Show: I believe that parents really have to learn how to stop the show. What does this mean? If your child is not doing his chores, you simply stop everything, tell him to have a seat and talk to him about it. Ask him what he thinks is going on and what's getting in his way of doing his assigned tasks. Find out what his plans are after he’s finished and try to motivate him toward getting the work done so he move onto what he really wants to do. Appealing to a child’s self-interests—rather than explaining the abstract concept of responsibility or duty—is generally much more effective for kids.
2) Time Your Child’s Performance: Timing is a good way to get your child to comply with doing chores. You can say, “All right, the dishes have to be done in 20 minutes.” If they're not done in 20 minutes, then your child’s bedtime is earlier. Now there’s a cost associated with his foot-dragging. The beauty of this system is that you're not constantly nagging anymore, you're just keeping time. The next night, you can say, “Let's not repeat what happened last night—because remember, you didn't enjoy going to bed earlier.”
Another timing strategy parents can use is a technique where you motivate kids to compete with themselves. You can say, “Let's see if you can get it done in 15 minutes tonight. But remember, you have to do it right. I'm going to check.” You can even give them an incentive: “If you get it done within 15 minutes, you can stay up 15 minutes later. Or you can stay online 15 minutes more.” So then it becomes more exciting and stimulating for the child. And while your child won’t lose anything if he or she doesn’t get it done, they’ll gain something if they do. That kind of reward system is always preferable to one in which the kid loses something, because it’s more motivational and less punitive—you’re giving your child an incentive to do better.
3) Consider Giving Kids an Allowance: I think if parents are financially able to give kids an allowance, they should do it. Your child’s allowance should also be hooked into their chores—and to the times when your child fails to complete his tasks or has to be reminded to do them. So for example, if your child has to be told more than once to do his chore, he would lose a certain part of his allowance—let’s say a dollar. And each time you remind him, he loses another dollar. It is also appropriate to give that part of his allowance to a sibling who does the chore instead. This way, you're not working on the chore, you're working on the communications process, as well as your child’s motivation.
Sometimes as a parent you have to ask yourself, if my child isn’t doing his chores, what is he doing? You really have to be aware of how your child is using his time. If he’s not doing his chores because he’s playing on the computer or reading a comic book, you've got to stop that pattern. The choice shouldn't be “excitement or chore.” The choice should be “boredom or chore.” What I mean is that kids have to understand that they can't go listen to music in their rooms or just hang out until their chores are finished.
I also think it’s a good idea to set aside time during the day when all the kids in your family are doing their chores at once. So your 15 year old might be unloading the dishwasher while your 11 year old is taking out the garbage. That way, no one feels as if they’re missing out or being punished by having to complete their tasks. It’s just chore time.
5) Don’t Turn Chores into Punishment: I tell parents not to use chores as punishment. If somebody misbehaves and does something wrong, don't give them a consequence of doing the dishes, for example. The only time that's appropriate is if your child does something wrong to another sibling. And so in order to make amends—in order to right the wrong—they do that person's chore for them. That's a physical way of saying, “I was wrong to do that and I'm doing your chore to show you that I'm sincere.” That’s the only time when I advocate that parents use chores as something more than an assigned task.
6) Use a Reward System: It’s pretty simple: If you want kids to take responsibility for their chores, integrate their tasks with some reward system that has to do with allowance, as we mentioned, or in some other observable way. I recommend that parents have a chart on the refrigerator with each child’s name on it, with their chores listed next to their names. If they make their bed promptly and do it right, they get a check. When they get five checks, they get some reward. Maybe it's staying up an hour later. Maybe it's having more computer time one night. In my opinion, the computer, video games and television don’t have to be on every waking hour. Just because the computer is there doesn’t mean the child has to be using it—especially if your kids argue about it. Each child should get an hour of computer time, and then computer time is over. If they want more than that hour, they should have to earn it. This allows you to use computer time, TV time, and video game time as a reward. Of course, this doesn’t apply to schoolwork or projects that they have to do on the computer.
Kids might understand that doing the dishes is part of their role in the family but they're not going to feel it in some significant way. Chores are work, and in that sense very few of us like to
work unless we're getting rewarded for it. And the reward has to be something we like. If my boss had paid me in carrots I wouldn't have worked much at all—because one or two carrots and I'm all set. Kids have the same motivating principle. They want a reward that's in currency they like. The idea that they should learn to do chores for some abstract reason—like duty or responsibility—sounds good on paper, but has very little practical application in a child’s life.
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.
"MY KID WILL NEVER CHANGE."
WHEN YOU'VE HIT A WALL WITH YOUR CHILD'S BEHAVIOR
by James Lehman, MSW
Let me be clear: kids don't behave because they like their parents; kids behave because it's in their best interests to behave.
Q: James, what is your response to parents who say, “My child is really tough. He’ll never change.”
James: I understand that parents get frustrated and exhausted trying to deal with kids who can be really resistant and difficult. But I know from experience that that doesn't have to be the case—there are other ways of solving the problems of acting out, defiance, attitude, and lack of motivation in children. I think when a parent says, “My child will never change,” one of the things they’re saying is, “My parenting style will never change; I don’t think there’s anything new I can teach my child. And because I'm stuck where I am, he's going to stay stuck where he is.”
If your parenting style isn't working and you don't change it, it's probably going to continuenot working. That’s just a given. But if your parenting style develops and you learn different ways to coach, teach and set limits on your child, I believe that eventually you willsee change.
Q: So is there any one thing a parent should be doing to help their child change?
James: In my opinion, people change for a variety of reasons, some of which can be hard to understand. The idea that it takes a certain amount of input, or that there’s one thing you should do in order for your child to change, is not really a logical one. It’s not like you can just wave a magic wand a certain way and get your child to behave. The truth is, different kids need different amounts of support. I think that it's important for parents to understand the concept that knowledge is cumulative in kids. In other words, one bit of knowledge doesn't create one bit of change. Rather, it takes a lot of bits of knowledge to create one bit of change. Really, the idea that kids won't change is out of context with how they learn. If the approach you’ve been using isn’t working, try another one—trust me, youcan learn more effective ways to solve the problem of inappropriate behavior. That’s something I’ve helped parents do my entire career—and I have seen true change happen over and over again.
James: I think that this is another instance where parents have to look at their own skill base—and not at their kid’s. Understand that your child’s capacity to listen will be influenced by his age, his peer group, the setting in which you are having a conversation with him, and the issue at hand. And if your child is really angry and frustrated about something and you're trying to reason with him, he's not going to listen, plain and simple. Just accept that going into it.
I often ask parents to envision what might have to happen in order for their child to listen to them. What would be an ideal place for a talk? Most parents can describe the setting: it's quiet, there are no distractions, everyone is calm, and they have a chance to really share their ideas with their child. I think all of these elements have to be in play in order to have any kind of discussion with your child.
Here’s another crucial thing to remember: kids will listen to something—and comply— when it’s in their best interests to do so. Let me be clear: kids don't behave because they like their parents; kids behave because it's in their best interests to behave. So parents who compromise about household rules in order to get their kids to do what they want are missing the point. Instead of trying to get your child to like you in order to behave, what you have to do is get your child to like his life, his privileges, his friends, and his independence. Because all those things that matter to us, also matter to our kids—and are incentives for them to try harder.
Instead of giving in to your child and trying to be his friend, communicate that it's his responsibility to listen to you—and that he'll be held accountable if he doesn’t. The relationship between responsibility, accountability and consequences can’t be stressed enough here. The message should always be: “You're responsible and I'm going to hold you accountable.” And let him know there are going to be consequences if he doesn’t comply with the rules.
I also believe that parents have to say something worth listening to. Kids don't listen to preaching. Kids don't listen to labeling. And they don't listen to name calling or blaming, either. I think it’s helpful to talk to your child in a direct, matter-of-fact way. Don’t personalize what is happening; just stick to the facts. Try to define the problem in a way that is solvable. “It’s your responsibility to take out the garbage. If you don’t, there will be consequences.” And let him know he’ll be rewarded if he is able to meet his responsibilities consistently. This is how you hold your child accountable.
Q: What are some tips for getting through to your child, especially if that child is a hard case?
James: Again, I think if your child sees it's in his best interests to respond to you, hard case or not, he's going to find a way to respond. To give you an example, we often see kids with behavior problems really getting along with teachers who are highly structured. That’s because the structure the teacher has set up makes it clear that it's in the child’s best interests to behave. Sometimes that's because the teacher doesn't take any playing around and sets limits right away; sometimes it's because the teacher gives consequences and rewards that the child finds meaningful. Remember, there always has to be interplay between structure that's clear, and rewards that are meaningful. And if you find the right combination, your child will respond to you—whether or not he's a hard case.
I also think that with hard cases, you have to be very clear about who you are. I don't think you have to be hard yourself, but you have to be able to clearly define what you expect from your child. And let them know that you're going to hold them accountable. I think kids who are hard cases often don't see what's in it for them. They might think, “So what’s in it for me if I clean my room? What's in it for me if I do my homework?” I think the answer is to have a structure where you can show them what the consequences and rewards are. So they know what’s going to happen if they don’t finish their assignment or mow the lawn. It’s clear to them what they’ll get as a reward—and what might be taken away as a consequence.
I also believe there is a lot of legitimacy in giving kids more independence when they do things more independently. So you can say things like, “You can stay up half an hour later because you’ve shown me that you can be responsible with your reading homework.” That actually motivates your child to act more independently. And when I say independently, I don't mean defiantly—I just mean independently. In other words, they're able to meet their responsibilities without a lot of prodding or threatening or following up from you.
Q: What if you have a child who doesn't seem to respond to consequences?
James: If your child doesn't respond to consequences, then you simply haven't discovered things that are consequential to him. Don't forget, a consequence can be a reward, too. Too many parents use the term “consequences” when they mean punishments. Many kids become very resistant to the idea because of what they think it means. Instead, parents have to learn to use the carrot and the stick—not just the stick.
So again, once a child sees it's in his best interests, a lot of things will change. Here's a great example: Let’s say you have a kid who hasn’t worked hard in school, isn’t really committed to anything and is kind of lazy around the house, perhaps a little mouthy sometimes. And then one day he wants to get his driver’s permit. Oh man, do things change! All of a sudden, that same child is apologetic when he makes a mistake. He's interested in doing the things you want him to do—and he's willing to do his chores and homework. All because he wants to drive that car.
You might not have a car to use as a reward with your child, but there are other things that might work. In my opinion, parents have to develop a motivational system—a “motivational package,” if you will. That means that you should always have a menu of rewards on hand. And I think that list should come from your child. When times are good, I recommend that you sit down and say, “Hey, I'm making a menu of things we could do that you might enjoy. Can you help me out?” And by the way, you should also have a menu of consequences. It’s a mistake to have only one consequence that you use all the time. Instead, have a consequence system that allows you to have choices. So it's not the same old, “Go to your room.” If you have a list of consequences, you can give your child and yourself a little more elbow room. Remember, consequences that are task-oriented are the most effective because they promote learning and change.
James: I think parents should set goals with their children to motivate them. So a goal might be, “If you can clean your room for three days, then you get an extra half hour of computer time.” Now your child is working toward something reachable. But remember, the incentive has to be something your child wants. Things that tend to work with kids these days are cell phones, computers, video games, and television. These are all “carrots” we can use to give our kids the incentive to behave and be responsible.
By the way, I think for many kids with motivational problems, the right approach is, “We will give you half an hour on the computer; that's our gift to you. Every member of the family gets it. And if you want more, then we need to see you trying harder and keeping up with your responsibilities.” I tell parents to limit time on the computer because I think a great opportunity is being missed here: you are squandering your chance to offer it as a reward. By limiting your child’s computer time, he has to put forth some effort to earn more. Be sure to clearly define what a child must do—and for how long—in order to earn that extra time.
And incidentally, it’s also been my observation that if you can't motivate your child, something will someday. What I mean by that is that it’s important to know that there are other catalysts in your child’s life besides you—and that’s a good thing. I’ve seen teens who are slobs clean up their act when they get a girlfriend. Certainly kids go back and get their GED's when they find out they need a high school diploma to get anywhere in life. So you are not the only change agent in your child’s life—but you are the most influential one.
Q: James, what would you say to parents who feel like their child is hopeless—and that nothing will work for them?
James: I would say that I understand—I think there are children who certainly make you feel hopeless when you're trying to parent them. Believe me, I’ve worked with some entrenched, out-of-control kids over the years. But by using that system of responsibility, accountability and consequences, I saw many, many of those kids turn their lives around and go on to become successful adults. So in my mind, there's always hope—but you have to be willing to work at it to create real change.
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.
Managing the meltdown
by James Lehman, MSW
Q: Why do kids have behavioral meltdowns and tantrums? What goes on in a child’s mind that makes him come unglued?
James:
Kids have meltdowns and temper tantrums for two reasons. The first reason is that they have never learned how to manage or have run out of the tools it takes to manage their feelings in a new situation or event. The second reason they have tantrums is because it’s been successful for them in the past. They’ve seen that when they have a tantrum, they get what they want pretty quickly.
It’s all about learning and developing coping skills from day one with children. Here’s why. If a child is confronted with a situation that he hasn’t learned how to manage yet, his response is fight or flight. It’s a survival response. Very often, they can’t get out of the situation. It may be at the mall, in the car or at grandma’s house. If they can’t flee the situation, then they fight, and the way that they fight is by acting out or having a meltdown.
If the parents don’t respond in an effective way, the child learns that having a meltdown or a temper tantrum will help him accomplish a goal. When a child is in a stressful situation, has a tantrum and the parent gives in to him, that’s as far as he needs to go. He won’t have to learn how to be patient, manage his anxiety and deal with stress. He just has to act out so that his parent takes care of all that. This is a skill that children learn. It’s not because they’re bad kids or good kids. It’s simply what works for them. They learn a problem-solving skill that says “If I’m disruptive to other people, then it solves my problem.” The child doesn’t have to deal with the stress because everyone else is busy running around trying to calm him down and they eventually give in to him.
Tantrums are to be expected, but they’re not to be rewarded.
Parents develop a range of often ineffective ways of responding to and trying to manage the child’s behavioral meltdown. They’ll either go to one extreme and scream, yell, threaten, restrain, grab or spank the child. Or they go to the other extreme: they give in. The parent solves the problem, but not through the most effective means. In my experience, parents are very resistant to the idea of their kids being unhappy or uncomfortable. They learn what their child has taught them: if you make me uncomfortable, I’m going to make you uncomfortable. When a child throws a tantrum at the mall and kicks and screams on the floor, in effect, he’s saying, “You have more to lose than me.” You do have more to lose. You’re embarrassed. You can’t accomplish your goal of shopping in the mall. People are looking at you. You feel like a bad parent, and you think everyone around you considers you a bad parent. The kid has nothing to lose and everything to gain. He doesn’t care what people think. He just wants to control you and get an ice cream cone. Inadvertently, parents teach kids that meltdowns work, and as long as something works, it’s human nature not to change it.
I think that if meltdowns work for a child, you’ll see them continue. But as the child gets older, meltdowns will start to look like abusive or intimidating behavior. It’s a tantrum at age 5. At age 15, it’s breaking things around the house, threatening physical violence and using abusive language. So those childhood meltdowns become very serious things.
continued below
- “This is what seems to trigger you. Let’s look at what you do when you get angry.”
- “Let’s look at what you do when you don’t get your way.”
Show the child what he does when he gets angry or doesn’t get his way. Tell him that rolling on the floor or screaming at the top of his lungs won’t solve his problem. Then say this:
- “What are you going to do differently the next time this happens?
I tell parents that when a meltdown happens in a store, leave the store. Explain to the child in the car before you go into the store, “Sometimes when you don’t get your way, you get upset and you yell and roll on the floor. If you do that, we’re leaving the store. I just want you to know that.” As a kid gets older, you can tell him, “I’m leaving the store, and if you resist me or fight me, I’ll be in the car. You can find me. You know where the car is.” Certainly you wouldn’t leave a four-year-old in a store, but with a nine- or a ten-year-old, you might. If they try to play the game of “you can’t make me” say, “You’re right. I can’t make you. I’m going out to the car and I’ll call the security guard and maybe they can help you out.” You’re putting the pressure back on the child to behave appropriately. Is that risky? Of course, there’s always risk. But on the other hand, it’s risky to give in over and over again. I’m not advising every parent to do this. I’m saying it’s an option and you can learn the situations for which it might be appropriate.
Parents need to focus on the fact that a tantrum is a power struggle your kid is trying to have with you. It’s a strategy to try to get his way with the least amount of discomfort to him. Sometimes that means blowing up the most discomfort to the parent. Too often, parents forget that they have the power. This kid is trying to wrestle some power from you. As a parent, you hold the cards. You just have to play those cards well. Part of the hand you’re dealt has to do with your own parenting skills, your background and your natural ability. But a big part of it is how you play those cards: learning how to use your child’s natural skills and abilities, understanding their deficits, and then using your natural skills and abilities to help that child learn to manage situations and understand that acting out and misbehaving is not the way to solve the problem. Parents have this power and they can do this. I see it all the time. Believe me, the payoff to their family life and to their children is immeasurable.
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.
James:
Children are going to get overwhelmed, frustrated, angry and have temper tantrums. The way parents manage that will determine the frequency and intensity of the meltdown. Can we stop meltdowns? Absolutely not. This is a part of childhood development. This is how they get out some very painful or confusing feelings. But can we manage their frequency and can we manage their intensity? Absolutely. It all depends on how we respond to them.Tantrums are to be expected, but they’re not to be rewarded. You have to set limits with your child, and teach him the skills to manage overwhelming feelings on his own. If you don’t set up a situation where the child has to learn how to manage those overwhelming feelings and negative thoughts on his own, he’s never going to learn.
The important thing to remember is that it’s not whether tantrums are inevitable. It’s how parents manage them that will determine their frequency and intensity.
Q: So, how should a parent manage these outbursts? What’s the appropriate response for a parent to have when they see a tantrum so that they can stop the inappropriate behavior and prevent it from happening in the first place?
James:
It’s important to remember that there’s a difference between what the child learns and what the parent says. When you say something to a child, that’s not necessarily what he’s going to learn. He’s not going to learn from what you’re saying. He’s going to learn from what you’re doing. Parents often give speeches about how kids have to behave appropriately. How a certain behavior is not fair to others. How difficult it is and what’s going to happen next time. Then what the parent does is give in. Or the parent escalates their own behavior. These are natural responses, but they are ineffective. Kids learn from what parents do, not from what parents say. When you give in to a child after he acts out, then give him a speech about his behavior, you may think, “Good, I taught him a lesson. He understands now.” But the kid thinks, “Good, I got the ice cream cone. I got my way.” Or, “Good, I didn’t have to do it again.” Parents often know the right thing to say, but don’t know the right thing to do. They’re left scratching their heads saying, “I explained this to him a thousand times. I don’t know why he doesn’t understand.” He doesn’t understand because there’s something in the parent’s behavioral response that is reinforcing that behavior. It’s a payoff for the kid. And as long as he gets paid off, he’s going to keep doing it.
You have to not give into the meltdown, but you have to understand it and what starts it. Step one is to identify what triggers the child’s behavior--through either you own observations, knowledge or insight, through what you can elicit from the child or what you observe in the environment. Step two is to teach the child that acting out is not the way to manage this. The key is not to listen to the excuse afterwards; it’s getting the kid to understand that when a particular thing happens, he begins to get upset. And when he begins to get upset, there are things he has to do differently in order not to lose control.
Many kids will react negatively when you start to set limits on their texting or cell phone activities, but if you stick with the plan, they will eventually respond and comply with your family’s rules.
Lehman's monthly article
Here’s how some of the thinking errors used by the child above break down—and what you can do to challenge these faulty ways of thinking in your own child.
A Day in the Mind of Your Defiant Child,
by James Lehman, MSW
A DAY IN THE MIND OF YOUR DEFIANT CHILD
by James Lehman, MSW
If you’re the parent of a defiant child, you’ve probably wondered what makes him so angry at life—and angry at you. With the school year approaching, are you gearing up for another difficult year with your child, just hoping that he’ll make it through—and that you’ll be able to manage without falling apart? Realize that it doesn’t have to be a daily battle of wills once you understand what’s actually going on in your child’s head. Here, James Lehman MSW breaks down some of your child’s thinking on a typical school day.
Although it may feel like your defiant child hates you, that’s usually far from the truth.
It’s another day and another battle. The alarm goes off, and your child yells, “School sucks. Why do I have to go? It’s not fair!” He hasn’t done his homework (again) because, as he sees it, the teacher didn’t explain the assignment to him. He adds, “Besides, my teacher is a jerk, and she doesn’t like me, anyway.” You find yourself yelling, “Hurry, you’re going to miss the bus,” but instead of getting ready, now your child is dragging his feet and shouting, “Leave me alone!” As on countless other days, he misses the bus and starts pleading with you for a ride to school, saying, “You don’t want me to be late, do you, Mom?” Before he gets out of the car, he reacts to your speech about trying harder tomorrow by screaming, “All right, get off my back. Why are you always yelling at me?” and slams the door. At school, he gravitates to the wrong group of friends and goofs off in class; even worse, he talks back to the teacher instead of paying attention. When he comes home in the afternoon, he grunts at you before getting onto his video games (you think they’re way too violent, but he loves them) listens to music which you find offensive, and talks openly about admiring people who are crooks and criminals. That night, you know your child is probably going to stay up until all hours playing more of those video games you can’t stand, but you’re so tired of fighting with him that you just fall into bed exhausted.
As a parent, you live this kind of situation every day when you have a defiant or “difficult” kid, but have you ever wondered what’s going on in your child’s head when he’s fighting with you? Although it may feel like he hates you, that’s usually far from the truth. Rather, kids get caught up in a long chain of what we call “thinking errors” that can tangle up their emotions and behavior—and make no mistake, unless they get help, thinking errors can dominate a person’s thought processes throughout their entire lives.
Here’s how some of the thinking errors used by the child above break down—and what you can do to challenge these faulty ways of thinking in your own child.
Thinking Error #1: “School sucks. Why do I have to go? It’s not fair.”
What It Means: One of the thinking errors this child is using is called “Injustice.” Realize that many kids see things as being unfair. The danger is that once they label something as “not fair” they feel like they don’t have to follow the rules or honor your expectations. This is pretty common in our society. If you’re on the turnpike and the speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour, you’ll see many people going sixty-five and seventy. It’s because they think fifty-five miles an hour isn’t fair—and once they decide it’s not fair, then in their minds, the speed limit rules don’t apply to them.
We all use thinking errors to justify doing things we know are risky or unhealthy. People use errors every day to gamble, lie, steal and cheat—or simply to justify having that second helping of pie. The problem is when kids use thinking errors to avoid taking responsibility. When they do this, they’re not realistically preparing for the adult world which awaits them. Remember, it’s not what the thinking error does—it’s what the thinking error justifies or permits.
What You Can Do: It’s important for you as a parent to challenge the error in thinking in a non-confrontational way. One thing the mother in our example could have said was, “You know school is your responsibility. If you don’t get up, you’re going to get an earlier bedtime. And it looks to me like you need to get more rest so you can get up on time.”
Thinking Error #2: “The Teacher is a jerk—and she hates me.”
What It Means: When a child says something like this, he’s using a thinking error called “The Victim Stance”. Some kids see themselves as victims all the time and in almost every situation. What they’re doing is trying to reject the idea that they’re responsible for anything. You’ll ask them a question and they’ve always got a sad story. Part of that sad story is who they blame for not meeting their responsibilities. That’s because when you’re a victim, you blame other people. So these kids blame the teacher, they blame you, or they blame somebody else—and what they learn is if they stick to their story long enough, they won’t be held accountable.
What I try to tell parents is that there is a sad story, and then there’s a behavior story. The sad story is your child playing the victim; the behavior story is what your child did to other people or to property. And as parents, we always have to focus on the behavior story. Every child has to be responsible for the behavior story, not the sad story. Don’t forget, when kids see themselves as victims, that gives them the justification they need to not meet their responsibilities. If you’re a victim, they reason, you shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. And focusing on the sad story somehow supports their right not to meet responsibilities.
What You Can Do: When your child adopts the Victim Stance, what he needs to be hearing from you is, “You’re not a victim. You’re responsible for your actions.” In this case, the parent could also say, “It sounds like you’re blaming your teacher for not having your homework done. But you’re the homework-doer—that’s your responsibility. And it’s not your teacher’s job to get along with you; it’s your job to get along with your teacher.”
Thinking Error #3: “You don’t want me to be late for school, do you?”
What It Means: This is the thinking error I call "Concrete Transactions". The Concrete Transactions mode is a way of thinking about things in which relationships with people in authority are simply vehicles your child uses to get around the rules. What he is saying is, “I’m your friend, and since I’m your friend, you’re going to help me get away with things—or help me get things I’m not entitled to.” So in your child’s mind, relationships are designed to help him get around rules, expectations and responsibilities. In other words, he thinks, “If I have a relationship with you, then you won’t make me follow the rules. You’re going to let me stay up past bedtime and sleep late in the morning.” So to your child, rules and the rights of others are seen as obstacles in relationships. The use of “Concrete Transactions” is designed to make you remove those obstacles instead of helping your child develop the problem solving skills he needs to manage the challenges he faces.
Know that if you’re in this kind of relationship with your child, you’re not really a person—you’re a role. Simply put, your child will treat you the right way as long as you stay in your role. If you try to leave it and be more responsible and hold your child accountable, you will often get a very nasty reaction.
By the way, whenever I hear parents say they want to be their kid’s friend, I become concerned. If parents want a friend, they should seek it outside of the home or get a puppy. These kids don’t need their parents to be their friends. They need direction, limits, coaching, teaching and structure. Look at it this way: if you define friendship as a mutual relationship where two people really try to take care of each other, then the best way to be your child’s friend is by being an effective parent.
What You Can Do: It’s important that children face the true consequences of their behavior. And when an authority figure such as a parent or teacher lets them off the hook, it doesn’t matter what they say to the child to justify it. As far as the child’s concerned, it works: He won.
In the example above, I would suggest that if possible, and if it’s safe, the mother should leave her child at home. Most kids complain about going to school, but they have no place else to go. And remember, if you leave him home, take the video game, cable box and computer control panel with you in the trunk of your car—and don’t forget his cell phone.
Thinking Error #4: “This video game is cool. Mom doesn’t know what she’s talking about—she’s so uptight.”
What It Means: This child is using a thinking error called “Pride in Negativity”. Defiant kids often take a lot of pride in their knowledge of unhealthy, secretive things. They have a fascination with negative role models because they see them as being powerful. These kids might hint at having a secretive, negative life. They may also take great pride in telling you that they know about different drugs and where to get them, and in their knowledge of crime—and how to shoplift and steal.
Kids who have low self esteem and no way to solve problems will gravitate towards peers who don’t expect anything out of them. Those kids in general will see negative behavior as a solution to their problem. In the end, “Pride in Negativity” means self esteem and identity from negativity.
What You Can Do: One of the big mistakes parents make is to argue with their kids about the negative things their child is fascinated with. But fighting about those issues only gives the child more power. I personally think parents should have a structure in their home that forbids the games they’re not comfortable with. You should also really ignore any Pride in Negativity statements by saying, “Look, I’m not interested in that stuff,” and then walk away. In other words, give it no power. Remember, if you show your child that certain behaviors have power over you, those behaviors are going to be repeated. Conversely, behaviors that have no power over you will diminish.
It’s important to remember that kids believe in the thinking errors they’re using. As a parent, I believe to be overly confrontational is not the way to go. What’s preferred is a corrective response that challenges or refutes the thinking error. After all, these errors are part of every day life. You’ll find that people use them all the time. In fact, I find myself using thinking errors, and you might find yourself using them, too. But here’s the risk for your child: kids, and especially teens, use these errors in thinking to avoid doing things that are difficult for them, and that’s what makes them dangerous. Remember, adolescence is one of the most critical times in your child’s development for them to learn how to solve life’s problems—not avoid them by using excuses, manipulation or lies.
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.
Library of Empowering Parents Articles
Article of the Month
Are Your Younger Child’s
Meltdowns Giving
him Control?
From young children to teens, James Lehman, MSW explains why your child is in trouble if he or she uses anger and acting out behavior to control others. When children use anger to get what they want, it can feel for all the world like they’re pointing a loaded weapon at you. As a parent, you dread the ugly and sometimes violent emotional outbursts that come with this type of behavior. Before I discuss children who use anger as a weapon—or the way that I like to put it, as a problem solving technique—I want to caution people that once a child is using extreme anger, they’re in a lot of trouble. And by the way, I’m not talking about a two-year-old throwing a tantrum, I’m talking about a five-year-old throwing toys around the room or an eight-year-old hitting his sister or a twelve-year-old kicking holes in the wall. Once a child is at that level, there are some serious issues at stake, and you need to get them some help fast. There’s no way I can address every aspect of this problem in one article, but what I can do is explain a little bit more about what’s going through your child’s head, and the steps you need to take as a parent to change this pattern of behavior.
The message to you is, “If you upset me, bad things are going to happen.”
Let me explain to you why I think that your child is in trouble if they’re using anger to seek control. I believe that kids who act out this way haven’t developed the appropriate problem solving skills to deal with the stressors, emotions and situations they experience at their age level. Don’t forget, anger is a feeling, but anger is also a problem that has to be solved. When you’re angry and you’ve got all that chaotic energy inside of you, you have to learn what to do about it besides take it out on others. When you’re afraid, you have to learn what to do with that fear—that’s a problem you have to solve. Too many times feelings are looked at solely as feelings and not as problems for which your child needs to find a solution.
It’s also important to understand this: kids get a sense of power from acting out and they use that power to solve the problem instead of learning how to cope with life. These children don’t learn the mechanics of problem solving or how to deal with their feelings appropriately. And that’s an important and critical misstep, because it leaves them on one side of the cliff with no bridge to the next phase of life, the phase where they learn to negotiate, to get along with others, and to solve the problems that arise without losing control.
How Kids Use Anger to Control Their Environment
From the age of four, almost all of us learned how to solve our anger problems, and now we do it so easily and quickly that we don’t even realize that we’re solving them. We feel angry at our boss but we keep our mouth shut. Perhaps we jog after work, or we go to the gym. Or we watch a movie or read a book. We do things that enrich our lives to compensate for the stressors that we feel: We find a way to solve those problems.
But with kids who use anger to manipulate a situation, it’s a whole different story. They’ve learned to solve the problem of feeling uncomfortable by striking out at others. When they have a hard time, instead of dealing with their emotions, they strike out. And in the short term, that solves their problem—usually people back off. If their parents or teachers or caregivers don’t back off the first time, they back off the second or third or fifth or tenth time. Even if they just kicked a hole in your wall, they don’t even see it as their wall, they don’t care. To put it plainly, the child or the teenager has nothing to lose.
Once children learn how to use acting out, aggression, destructive behavior and verbal abuse—that whole family of behaviors—as a coping mechanism, as a skill to solve life’s problems, they are treading on dangerous territory. Because when they find that it works, they keep doing it. And the older they get, the more that technique becomes ingrained in them. And so by the time they’re older children or entering early adolescence, this is their main way of coping with anything that frustrates or upsets them.
Are Your Younger Child’s Meltdowns Giving him Control?
It’s simple: the more your young child succeeds at using anger and destructive behavior as a way to solve his problems—and the more you let him get away with doing that—the more entrenched that behavior is going to become.
Here’s what happens: Your child is faced with a situation that’s frustrating. He responds by losing control. As a parent, you see your child melting down. But if you look at the bigger picture, is he really losing control? Because here’s the thing: the next time you tell him he has to go clean his room, you’re going to remember the last explosion and you’re going to ask in a different way, or soften the request. If he explodes again, eventually you’ll clean his room yourself. So even though it looks like he’s losing control by melting down, in reality he’s getting more and more control over everybody in the house.
The same thing happens at school. Even though these kids look like they’re losing control when they act out, in fact, they’re getting more control over the class because they wind up not having to do the work. Somewhere along the line the child learned that acting this way gave him an edge, and gave him some power—it gave him some control over the adults in his life. The expectations placed upon him were diminished, and the tolerance for inappropriate behavior was raised. In his very bright human mind, he realized that it worked. And so he tried it again, it worked again, and it worked again until it became a pattern.
When these kids lose control, in their mind, they’re in control. They’re getting back at you. They’re showing you that they’re not going to do what you ask of them. If not now, then maybe the next time you’re going to ignore their behavior and do it yourself. And that’s their goal. It’s a very difficult pattern to break as a parent and you may very well need guidance from a behavioral program or a behavioral specialist, even when your child is still young.
For Parents of Angry, Acting-out Teens
I think if teens are acting out and using anger to control you, they certainly have years of experience that says that this method works for them. They may behave themselves around their friends, or around the police. They have to behave themselves in public for the most part, and they tend to do so. But when they get home or are at school where this behavior works, they readily employ it.
So, what happens? You see these kids get moved through school. There are countless conferences with teachers and parents and school psychologists. But really, in the end, if the child is resolute, nothing changes. He goes to Special Ed classes where they tiptoe around him and he does easy work. They pat him on the head when he spells ten words right and tell him what a great guy he is. In short, they do everything they can to manage his behavior. And the school’s goal, by the way, is not to educate him at that point—it’s to manage his behavior. And that’s exactly what he wants. He wants to control the environment, control you through his behavior. He wants it to be your job to not upset him. The message to you is, “If you upset me, bad things are going to happen.”
Never lose sight of the fact that as a parent, your most important job is to teach your child how to learn to solve problems. Teens are miserable half the time because they’re dealing with some tremendous problems and at the same time, trying to learn how to manage life. They’re not children anymore and they’re not adults, but they are starting to have some adult expectations of responsibility—without the benefit of all the tools adults have. In fact, the only way they can get those tools is by learning how to manage situations. There’s a saying I like: “Action precedes understanding.” In other words, teenagers have to go through all of this stuff, and in the end, they’ll understand how it helped them.
But kids who avoid solving problems through intimidation, abuse, anger and acting out behavior don’t develop the skills to deal with life. Sadly, they wind up as young adults whose primary problem solving skill is to intimidate others and break things if they don’t get their way. The truth is, there’s no future in our world for adults like that. And they rarely grow up without encounters with the police, substance abuse, and criminal activity.
For kids who learn how to solve problems through defiance, all they do is defy. And if you ask them why they did it, they’ll tell you it was your fault or somebody else’s fault. “I was wrong but you made me. You wouldn’t let me have the money. You wouldn’t let me stay up and watch TV. You wanted me to clean my room and not let me finish my game.” You, you, you. And these kids wind up feeling like a victim all the time, and you know, if you feel like a victim then the rules don’t apply to you. And so they strike out defiantly, and that becomes their main technique to solving problems. Who are these kids I'm speaking about? They’re the brooding teenagers who are angry all the time at home. They become teens who get involved with drugs and alcohol. They become teens who get involved with petty crime and the police. And you know, you’ll see them do antisocial things in the community. They’ll be destructive, knock down people’s mailboxes, or break into cars. And they get involved with all that because they actually see themselves as victims and therefore, somehow it’s different for them. But as a parent, you’ve got to really rigorously and strongly challenge that feeling and that way of thinking. For people who aren’t able to give up that victim identity, it becomes very hard to change.
Getting Control Back
I think the way that you get control back is to grit your teeth and be ready for a big fight. Start saying no, and mean it. Be prepared to lock up the video game in the trunk of your car. Be prepared to let your child scream in the store for 15 minutes. Be prepared to call the police. Be prepared to go through these things and be ready to do what it takes for your child to understand that this strategy, this problem solving skill of acting out, doesn’t work anymore. If you aren’t able to deal with this problem, you’re endangering yourself and you’re endangering your child. The behavior is going to escalate. Parents need to understand that and seek outside resources, have a backup plan, and be prepared to stand your ground.
I suggest you read as much as you can on the subject of managing kids with behavior problems. Find a behavior-oriented therapist. Work with the school and do whatever you can. Also, there are books available at the book store and programs available online that can help you get the skills you need. I developed The Total Transformation Program to help parents in this exact situation by giving them a plan, a practical way to grit their teeth, say no, mean it, and know what to do next. Because, if this problem doesn’t change in your child, in adulthood it becomes really terrible and sad. The terrible part is, of course, adults can’t solve their problems by acting out and exploding. They wind up in jail, they wind up fired, they wind up hopeless. And it’s sad because when the child becomes an adult, he really feels cheated by life. He doesn’t understand why he hasn’t made it and other kids have. And he really feels like a loser—in fact, these kids feel like losers for a great amount of their lives, because they know right from wrong. Many times after they act inappropriately they feel sad and confused. Deep down, they know what good behavior is and bad behavior is—they just can’t operationalize it when they’re upset.
So if you’re in this position with your child, you need to learn new problem solving skills. In essence, you have to develop special parenting skills for kids who have special needs. And you know, you can tell if your parenting skills are working or not if your kid’s out of control. And if that's the case, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent—far from it. You’re tolerating your child, you’re doing the best you can. What it means is that your child also needs to develop a new set of skills, and your child needs a parent with a level of skills that you don’t have yet.
The good news is you can get those skills that you need to teach your child how to manage his behavior. You can go online to find support. You can see a therapist who deals with behavioral problems and who can teach you techniques to deal with your child. Yes, action precedes understanding. And you can start taking actions now. Don’t be so intimidated by your child’s anger that you are afraid to take action and get the help you and your child need.
Read Full Article Here
