Setting Limits with Difficult Kids: How to Get Them to Listen

How many times has this happened to you? You set a limit on behavior, and your kids ask, “Why?” or ignore your limits entirely. Or perhaps it’s a war of inches—your adolescent tests you by coming in a few minutes later past curfew each time he goes out. Then he accuses you of being petty when you enforce the limit with a consequence. No matter the method, it’s infuriating for parents when their kids push against the structure they set. And for some parents, it’s hard to limit their child’s behavior in the first place. How can you set limits effectively and get your kids to listen? James Lehman explains how in this article.

Most kids have a whole monologue going on in their heads that says, "I can do it; it's no big deal; why won't she let me?"

All emotionally healthy kids test limits. It's a normal thing for kids to do as they develop—and in my opinion, it’s actually a good thing for them to do. Problems often emerge when parents don't feel comfortable setting limits in the first place or when kids don’t learn to negotiate for changes in those limits, and act out instead. And kids certainly develop different ways of testing limits that can be inappropriate and unacceptable.

I believe part of the job for parents is to train their kids how to accept limits. But I also think parents need to allow for their children to challenge and test limits in a healthy way. I think that kids should always test limits. Parents often ask me, “Will this ever stop?” And I say, “It shouldn’t. But what should stop is any kind of manipulation or intimidation that your child is using.”

Setting limits is a two-way street. In one way, the harder your child pushes, the more we should be asking, “Is he ready for more responsibility?” and “Am I, as a parent, ready for different limits?” Think of it this way: butterflies have to push their way out of the cocoon; the cocoon is the limit on the butterfly. In the same way, your limits are the cocoon on your child. He’s going to get out someday and grow and move on. But it's good to make sure that he pushes a little and shows that he’s really ready. And you can only tell if he’s ready by how much he struggles or how much maturity he shows. The scary fact is that in order for kids to grow functionally and emotionally, adults have to take risks.

When your child starts to get into the teen years, he will often begin to rebel against limits more forcefully; getting kids to listen is hard because they don’t think they need them. And parents often want their kids to understand their motivation. But I want to be clear here: parents cannot seek validation from their kids. Among other things, the risk of being disappointed is always there. Seek validation from other parents, or in what you read here. Seek validation by being able to change how you parent. But if you seek validation from your kids, it’s a fruitless chase—and you're giving them too much power.

Being a limit setter is not always easy or fun. Some parents rely on it too much, and are overly rigid with rules. They over-utilize limits and don’t develop the teaching and coaching roles of parenting. Instead of being a limit setter, they have taken on the “Punisher” role. And some parents don't use it enough; they just don't know how to draw that line effectively. I understand that; it’s often something you have to feel your way through.

Certainly the “Limit Setter” is one of the roles of effective parenting—along with the Teacher Role and the Coaching Role—that is important to have in your tool kit. I believe these three roles integrated together can help almost anyone be an effective parent.

Here are some specific guidelines I give parents to help them set limits effectively—and stick by them.

Decide Where the Line Is: As a limit setter, your job is to draw the line at the point where things become unsafe or unhealthy. Sometimes you might go with your instincts and do it without thinking about it too much: if your young child is crawling towards the stove, you react by getting him out of harm’s way. As kids develop, parents often employ this kind of “reaction limit setting.” That might work well when your child is young, but as parents of older kids and teens know, it gets much trickier as time goes by.

Often, your young child won't understand the consequences you give him when he crosses the line. In fact, whether your child is three or eighteen, limit setting is one of those things that he probably won’t understand. Instead, he thinks, “Why can't I do what I want? I could handle it if only they’d leave me alone.And if you try to get him to agree with your reasoning, you’re often met with deaf ears. I think if you want your child to accept your limits, you’re asking for too much. Most kids have a whole inner monologue going on in their heads that says, “I can do it; it’s no big deal; why won’t she let me?” As a limit setter, your attitude has to be, “I’m your parent, and my job is to keep you safe and healthy. This is the way it is.” Don’t hesitate to set firm limits in the areas of health and safety.

Plan Ahead: I suggest you think ahead and plan out what kind of limits you want to set. To be the limit setter is to decide what a healthy, safe environment is and then be willing to enforce it. Your first way of enforcing it is through verbal directions and reprimands. If your child has a hard time responding to your direction, one of the things that you can fall back on is a consequence structure.

Consequences and Rewards: Consequences are a way of maintaining limits; rewards are a way of keeping hope going and expectations high. Consequences are also a way of responding when your child tests limits too forcefully. Come up with a menu of rewards and consequences for your child and have it ready to use when you need it. Remember, kids don't test limits because they're kids; they do it because they're human. Human beings always look to the next horizon; it's just part of what makes us who we are.

Teaching Right from Wrong: Don't forget, kids are not little adults, they're kids. They process information very differently. They sense their feet are on the ground, but they don't know right from wrong as clearly as we think they do. And certainly in times of stress— when they're afraid, frustrated or angry—their sense of right and wrong gets lost in the shuffle. It's our job as parents to keep them focused on what's right and what's wrong: what they can and can't do.

Internalizing Good Behavior: Setting limits on your child is a way to help him internalize good behavior. You set limits by telling your child “no” and explaining why once. You tell him what the consequences are going to be if the behavior continues. The next time he does it, you give him the consequence that you laid out. Ideally, he learns to weigh out the cost-benefit ration of following the limits on his own. In that way, you're helping your child set limits on himself.

Don't forget, adults are expected to set limits on themselves all the time. You're expected to set a limit on how you talk to others—you’re not supposed to depend on somebody else to say, “Don't be rude.” That process is called “internalization.” When kids see their parents setting limits, eventually they absorb those limits and use them as their own. Let’s say you tell your child, “Talk nicely to your sister,” but he doesn't listen, so you set a limit. If necessary, you give him a consequence. When he finally starts to talk nicely to his sibling on his own, what has happened is that he’s borrowed your limit; he’s internalized it. In other words, it's inside of him now; he’s taken in this lesson. So kids learn to internalize the limits that we teach them. And if you don't teach limits, what your child internalizes is chaos—and you'll see it in his behavior.

Limits Give Kids Security: It's also important to know that parental limits give kids a sense of security—even if your child is rebelling against them. Think of it this way: limits are the structure. Your house has walls and stairs and a roof, and that's the structure. It keeps your family safe, warm and dry. Limits are like the emotional structure for your kid. Sometimes he's going to pound on that wall or try to walk through it. How you respond to that is critical. I see a lot of parents actually get stuck in a cycle where they want their kids to like them. They're afraid their children won't love them if they set limits. That fear permeates how they act with their children. So they don’t say “no” sternly enough, or often enough. They never want their child to feel uncomfortable, and they bend over backwards so that won’t happen.

Learn to Let Your Child Feel Discomfort: When you set a firm limit on your younger child and he’s upset by it, you have to learn to let him cry. You have to learn to let him go to his room and throw stuffed animals around. Many parents are very uncomfortable with that. I can't tell you how many parents are worried their kids won't love them. I think part of that is because we're in a very negative society nowadays, where teens and kids and young adults talk really rudely to their parents. Parents don't want their kids to treat them that way; they're also afraid their kids are going to hate them. But let me be clear: if you're a good enough parent, your kid will love you as long as he has the capacity to love. Remember, human beings respond to love with love. The fear of, “Is he going to love me or not,” shouldn't motivate parents, although it does.

Will your child love you more if you set limits? Who knows? But the fact is that human beings want to love people who are loving to them. It's part of our nature. And so if you're reasonable, your child will love you. Again, if you set limits in a hateful way, if you're resentful and nasty and cranky all the time, he's not going to want to be around you.

Know How You Present Yourself to Your Child: It's important that you're firm with your child from early on. I also think it’s important to know what you look like when you're being firm; you don’t want to look too scary. Practice in the mirror. Watch how you say things; notice the look on your face.

I give parents a lot of guidelines around this because the bottom line is, if the look on your face is demeaning or harsh, then it won’t teach your child a lesson—it will only hurt his feelings. Remember, kids’ feelings get hurt like everybody else’s. It's important that they perceive the person setting the limits as somebody who's being reasonable and calm. If you're screaming when you set a limit, you’ve waited too long.

Parents should set limits clearly and calmly. You can be as forceful as you want, but your tone and your face should not be mean or resentful. If you feel that way, which I understand is normal, go spend a few quiet minutes alone until you're ready to do speak calmly. And then go back and set the limit.

Over-explaining your rationale to your child is really not the way to go, because then you're training your child to be a lawyer. Just explain why and set the limit. You can say, “That's the way it is.” Don’t let the limits you’ve set turn into a power struggle, and don’t allow your child to think that he can argue you out of what you’ve decided.

Older Kids and Teens: As kids get bigger, their urgency to test limits and get their way becomes more intense and their ability to defy you becomes greater. If you have a five-year-old and you set limits on him, he has no place to go but to his room. If you have a 15-year-old and you set limits on him, he can go to his room and climb out the window—he can defy your limits very easily. It becomes much more of a challenge when kids get older.

If it looks like your child is going to test a limit—or if he already has—sit down with him and talk about it. Say, “I'm wondering why you didn't come home on time. Your curfew is 10 p.m. and you violated it.” If your child says, “Well, that's not fair;10 o’clock is too early,” You can say, “Well, let's do this then. If you can come home on time every day for a month, then we'll talk. We'll sit down and I'll listen to what you think is fair; we'll work something out. But that's the only way to change the limits without consequences around here.”

If your child wants to talk about the limits, then try to hear what he's saying. It might be, “Hey, I have to come home at 10 p.m., all my friends stay out till 12. I don't think it's fair, blah, blah, blah.” Don't defend your position. Just say, “Well, I think 10 p.m. is safe. If you think you can stay safe, then let's try 10:30.” Or say to your child, “How late do you think you should stay out?” And if it’s 12, you can say, “That's great, 12 o’clock would be our goal, then. We're not going to start at 12, but I'm willing to start at 10:30. And let's try that for two weeks and see how you do.” So incrementally, this gives your child a mechanism to test limits and change limits without being defiant.

Parents need to know that their child will love them even if they set limits—and perhaps even more so. If you're not waiting for your child to validate you, then it's okay if he gets angry and frustrated and doesn't like the limits you impose on him. Remember, the place to get validation and forgiveness is not from your child.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

The Secret to Understanding Acting-Out Behavior:
5 Common Thinking Errors Kids Make

Does your child refuse to take responsibility for everything? Or maybe your teen plays the victim card and is a pro at turning around an argument so you feel like you’re the one to blame. What you probably don’t realize is your child is using “thinking errors” to get his way—and to get out of doing things. In this follow-up to the recent article in EP on “Child Outbursts”, James Lehman unlocks the mystery of your child’s excuse-making, blaming and fighting.

Show your child that he's not superman—he's simply a kid who can make mistakes, just like any other.

Is there a word that you find hard to spell? For the longest time, I had to stop and think before I spelled the simple word “their.” I’d ask myself, is it “e-i” or “i-e”? This was a thinking error on my part. The difference between a thinking error and a mistake is that a mistake is a single incident, while a thinking error is making the same mistake over and over again. Behavioral thinking errors are the same kind of thing—picture an error in spelling or math that you repeat over and over again. In the same way, people use thinking errors to justify irresponsible or self defeating actions they take over and over again. They’re usually harmless. So let’s say your friend tells you he’s on a diet, but then you see him eat an extra dessert. And if you ask him why, you'll hear a thinking error: “I needed a little reward. It’s been a hard week.” When asked, your friend who has an extra helping of pie or the guy next to you on the highway going 85 miles an hour in a 65 mile-an-hour zone will probably give some excuse to justify their self-defeating or illegal behavior.

Kids use thinking errors all the time, too—and they get into trouble when they use these errors to justify being aggressive, taking risks, shirking responsibility, or trying to manipulate others. This is especially true for adolescents, because they're at a stage in their development when they really need to learn how to deal with life. They have to figure out how to manage anxiety, meet their responsibilities, follow through on tasks, and communicate frankly and honestly. For children especially, thinking errors are a destructive habit to get into, because they prevent them from learning the important skills that lead to success in life.

So as a parent, how do you recognize thinking errors when you see them? I think it’s important to learn what your child’s thinking errors are and to confront them. Confrontation leads to change—and by the way, confrontation doesn’t mean with hostility or anger. It means dealing with it head on. Actually, the less emotion the better, because a clear head gives you a better chance of getting all the information. Use your communication skills as a parent: Show positive regard in your expression and in your tone. If you’re not sure how to do that, practice in the mirror for awhile.

5 Common Thinking Errors Kids Use and How to Challenge Them

Thinking Error #1: The Victim Stance: The battle cry of a child who uses the victim stance is, “It’s not my fault!” When they don’t meet their responsibilities and they're challenged, they inevitably play the victim. A classic example of this is the old excuse, “The dog ate my homework.” What the child is really saying here is, “I'm a victim of the dog.” And if his teacher says, “You have to stay after school and finish your work,” instead of owning up to his mistake, the child feels like he’s the one being wronged.

All people see themselves as victims from time to time; it’s normal. Yet children and adolescents will often see themselves as a victim in ways that interfere with their emotional and functional development. If your child is allowed to use the victim stance too frequently, he will start to see himself as a victim all the time. The victim stance is one of the primary cop-outs adolescents use when they think a task is too hard, or boring, or stupid. They see injustice whenever they are challenged or confronted. This stance makes them very ungrateful and hostile, and it also prevents them from meeting their responsibilities. Think of it this way: if your child doesn't meet a responsibility, usually the natural consequence is supposed to help him change. But if he sees it as an injustice and believes he’s the victim, then he’ll take no responsibility for change, and he probably won’t.

How to Confront the Victim Stance: I believe you should challenge your child’s use of the victim stance clearly and directly. If you find out from the teacher that your child isn’t completing homework assignments, for example, start with, “Your teacher called me and said your homework isn’t getting done, but you told me you were finished. What’s going on?”Let him answer; hear him out. Let’s say your child gives you some victim story. I recommend that you avoid fighting with him about that. Instead, you can state very clearly, “You're a student, this is your responsibility. If you need help, you have to ask someone for it. You’re not a victim here—you can make choices.” You can also say to your child, “It sounds like you’re giving me an excuse or blaming your teacher for not having your work done.” (Understand that he’ll be unwilling or unable to understand the meaning of what you’re saying, but stick with it nonetheless.) Kids tend to avoid confrontation or they overreact to it because it makes them uncomfortable, but that’s right where you want them. Ask him “Do you have homework tonight?” And then tell him to go do it and let you know when it’s done. No long lectures. Just challenge his thinking and get him moving. Believe me, if the Victim Stance is a consistent thinking error he uses, there will be plenty of time to confront it further in the future.

Thinking Error #2: Uniqueness: Often, parents will ask their teenager why he’s started hanging out with the wrong crowd: kids who are using drugs or getting into trouble. They might say something like, “I'm different. I’m friends with Josh, but I don’t smoke pot like he does.” Or, When asked why they’re playing video games and not studying, your child will say, “I don’t have to do my homework or study. I know I can pass the test.” Statements like those reflect the thinking error of Uniqueness, and it creates a false sense of security for the person using it. Picture an adult friend of yours saying, “I can have the bottle of scotch and still drive. I drive better after a few drinks…it relaxes me.” He’s saying he’s unique, even though you think he’s crazy. Many adolescents see themselves as unique, and that thinking can have serious consequences. For instance, you might ask your teen, “When did you start spending time with those kids?” And your child will say, “They were nice to me on Friday, so I hung out with them after school.” Your response might be, “I’ve heard those kids use drugs.” And your child says, “Not me, I'm different. I don't use drugs. I'm just hanging out with them.”

There's an old saying: “If you hang around the barber shop long enough, you're going to get a haircut.” If your child thinks he’s unique and he can hang out at the barber shop, maybe he is. But for most kids that I've worked with, they're not unique at all—it’s simply an error in judgment.

How to Confront Uniqueness: It’s normal for most kids to perceive themselves as unique and invulnerable. Those thoughts become problematic when children and teens use them to avoid responsibilities, engage in risky behavior or justify poor judgment. Be straightforward when you talk about this. Ask your child about different scenarios that could occur and see how he would handle them.

Thinking Error #3: One-way Training: One-way Training is another thinking error that’s important to understand. This is when your child resists every effort you make to get him to take responsibility to change specific behaviors. And not only does he resist your training, he unknowingly starts to train you. The more aggressively he resists you, the more he’s training you not to challenge him. If he resists you through verbal abuse, dishonesty, destructive behavior, or manipulation, he’s training you not to hold him accountable, and to accept higher levels of irresponsibility. This is a huge thinking error. If kids using One-way Training are successful, they're just not going to learn what they need to learn.

A simple example of One-way Training is that your child feels that he has the right to go through your purse or your bedroom whenever he wants to. But if you go into his room, look out! You’ll see him become very upset and escalate. Believe it or not, that's the gentler part of One-way Training—it can get much worse when the stakes get higher and kids get verbally abusive or physically destructive.

What does your child get out of this? It’s simple: he won't have to perform and he’ll be able to skip his responsibilities. But adolescence is fleeting, and the day will come when your child has to have the basic knowledge to fill out a job application, apply for a job—and then keep one. He will also need the basic skill of being able to relate to other people without escalating and being a bully. In the long run, it’s very destructive to think, “If I resist them, they'll give up—and if I resist them forcefully, they'll stop bothering me and give in.”

How to Confront One-way Training: When your child uses One-way Training and starts escalating, the question is, “Are you trying to intimidate me?” Ask him very clearly. Your child may say yes or no, but at least the real issue is on the table. It's not “Oh, you asked me at the wrong time; you're bugging me.” Challenge your child directly and clearly.

You can begin by confronting his distorted thinking. Say something like, “Listen, I’ve noticed that you don't want me to go in your room, but you go into my room all the time. You have to give respect in order to receive it. Let's make a deal here. We’ll stay out of each other’s rooms from now on.” If your child still goes into your room, buy a lockbox and put a lock on the closet door. Opportunity, willingness and ability are the three primary factors of behavior. To help kids who can't manage their impulses, one of the things you have to cut down on is opportunity. I call that “opportunity management.” So instead of fighting with your child every day, put a lock on the closet door and start there—by eliminating the opportunity. Always remember, we have to deal with the child we're really parenting, not the child we wish we had.

Thinking Error #4: Dishonesty and Secrecy: I know kids have secrets; I understand that adolescents are in the stage where they’re individuating and separating from their parents. Secrets are a natural part of this stage of their development. But here's the deal: There are things that kids lie about, give misinformation about, or are secretive about which get them into trouble. There are kids who do things underhandedly and won't admit to it—or who blame somebody else. Maybe they’re caught at a party where everyone is drinking and they say, “Oh, I was just there; I wasn’t drinking.” Or “I was just walking by.” They always give you half the story, or they stack the facts.

“Fact stacking” is where your child gives you the facts, but stacks them in a way that seems to justify his behavior. When you investigate a little further, the facts take a different form. When you "unstack" them and get the truth, you realize that your child is simply justifying his behavior. And again, justification and avoidance may be common in our society, but they're not going to help your child.

“Partialization” is another part of dishonesty in which your child tells you half the story or does half the work. So you say, “Did you do your homework?” And he says, “Yeah, it’s all done.” Let’s say he's only got some of it finished, but he tells you what you want to hear so he's not under pressure. Many kids partialize; eventually it gets them into trouble. When it all comes out later, everybody feels like they were cheated and lied to. And if you don't confront this thinking error, this story will repeat itself again and again.

How to Confront Dishonesty and Secrecy: Kids need to learn about privacy and boundaries. They’re very important developmentally. Again, I think you should confront your child directly and clearly. You can say, “It sounds like you're only giving me part of the story. What’s really going on?” Or, “Are you just telling me what I want to hear? No? Well, then show me all of your homework.” Make your child uncomfortable and then hold him responsible.

Usually people don't like being challenged. Many kids will start yelling and get angry when confronted. Try not to get angry yourself. Instead, tell your child, “Getting angry at me is not going to change this. Let me know when you’re ready to talk about it maturely.” And then turn around and leave the room. Try to talk to your child later. If he refuses, there should be a consequence for him. I believe there should be consequences for kids who don't want to participate after a reasonable amount of time has gone by. And you can say, “If you don't want to talk to me about this, that's fine. But no electronics until you do.”

Thinking Error #5: Turnaround: Finally, kids often use a tactic called “Turnaround” when challenged. This is when you ask your child, “Why are you late for curfew?” and she says to you, “What do you care?” Your child answers your question with another question that puts you on the defensive—that’s how she turns it around on you. Or maybe you say something like, “Boy, I'm sick and tired of you not doing your chores.” And your child says, “Why? Don't you love me?” The name of the game for your child is to say something that puts you on the defensive—and it usually works. In fact, many of these tactics work. And by the way, it's not that the bad kids use thinking errors and the good kids don't. Any child can pick up these habits.

How to Confront Turnaround: State simply and clearly, “It seems like you’re trying to change the subject. Don’t turn this around on me. We’re talking about you doing your chores, not whether or not I love you.”

Kids use thinking errors to avoid being held accountable every day. They use them to avoid homework, but also to start using drugs, to steal and to be abusive to other people. But you can’t help your child change his behavior if he never takes responsibility for what he’s doing.

When you challenge your child, is he going to get angry? Yes. Defensive? Probably. Believe me, I know this isn’t easy. But if you can follow these guidelines, you have a better chance of getting your child to look at his excuses differently. You’ll be able to show him that they are actually getting in his way and getting him into trouble—not helping him. And that’s the first step toward acquiring the skills he’s been avoiding.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.