CONSCIOUS, EFFECTIVE PARENTING

The Brain That Changes Itself, Dr. Norman Doidge and Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz is a ground breaking work about the plasticity of the brain. In other words, the ability of the brain to change itself.  The ability exists for a person to be aware that they can refocus their awareness and get beyond their disability.

The brain's ability to "rewire" itself is a reality that is now being understood.  Three audio interviews speak of this breakthrough and will provide the listener with Dr. Norman Doidge, himself speaking of the progress,

This work will show that the methods used in The Total Transformation, James Lehman
and The Total Focus give parents and children the tools to use the concepts of The Brain That Changes Itself.

  The Ripple Effect of Defiant Behavior: When Parents
Pay the Price
by James Lehman, MSW

James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation Program, examines the effects of acting out behavior on parents and the family, and reveals how to calm the storm in the home.

Q: A child’s behavior problems can cause disturbances in a family beyond the relationship between the parent and the child, can’t they? I’ve had friends whose marriage suffered when their child started acting out. Is that common?

James:
One of the unseen costs of an acting out kid is all the different ways that the child’s behavior affects the family. Unfortunately, the effects on the family aren’t viewed by society, the courts or the school system as really relevant. So there’s not a lot of support built in for the family. They’ll determine that the family is “sick,” and then the family has to go to therapy. But I’ve met many families who were feeling the effects of behavior problems, and the family wasn’t sick. The problem was all the repercussions from the kid’s behavior.

Picture what happens when you drop a stone into a pond and you see the ripples. Now picture that stone being dropped in again and again so that the ripples keep expanding and expanding. A child with behavior problems is like the stone in the pond. Every time he acts out, it’s like another stone being dropped into that pond. The ripples get bigger and more frequent in the family. He can’t solve problems any other way than acting them out. His main skills are defiance, manipulation and dishonesty, because he doesn’t know any other way to solve his problems or to deal with the realities in his life, which are, admittedly, often very painful. But no matter how painful his problems are, a child still has to take responsibility and learn to solve them.

Marital conflicts emanate from child behavior problems almost always. One parent blames the other. What happens is that parents tend to look at each other through the “window” of the child. Instead of looking directly at each other, they look at each other through the kid’s behavior. When you’re in pain and uncomfortable and you look at somebody else through that kind of pain and discomfort, it distorts how they look to you. And it distorts how you feel about them. So you often find one parent blaming another or thinking the other parent isn’t doing it the right way or not doing enough.

When this acting out occurs, it can start to push parents toward the edge of their relationship, testing how strong it is and how solid they are. Ideally you would like to think that it bonds parents together, but it doesn’t happen that way. The behavior tends to split the parents.

 

Q: And the more split the parents become, the more problems develop in the family around that division. When this is going on, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by all the chaos in the family. How do you get through that chaos and get to the root of the problem?

James:
What parents need is a process by which they can be unified. I recommend that parents agree on certain principles and look at the actions that come from those principles. If our principle is, Johnny has to take responsibility for his behavior, then let’s all act that way and not worry about all the other issues that ripple out from that. Johnny has to take responsibility for his behavior, so let’s focus on that one thing. Let’s teach him problem solving skills. If there is a crisis, let’s handle it responsibly and productively. Responsibly means nobody gets hurt. And productively means that everybody can learn a lesson from it.

Once the family starts to deal with the child’s problem, the problems secondary to his behavior start to settle down. Whether the secondary problems are the parent’s communication, the other children’s safety and behavior or the financial strain that occurs when you have a kid who’s acting out, those things tend to subside, once you focus on the behavior problem.

So parents need to be able to communicate and not look at their relationship through the child. Rather, begin to look at your child through your relationship. See yourselves as a team. Parents find that the behavior calms down when they start working more like a team. First, because they find the common solution. They find something that works and that’s helping their child. Second, the family stressors go down. They’re able to deal with the normal stress of taking kids to soccer, taking kids to guitar practice or whatever they normally do. And they’re not dealing with the stressors of crisis, calls from the school, going down to the police station, or trips to the hospital or the emergency room.

When I work with parents and talk to them about being a team, I find they get really in touch with that. They're eager to find a way to enjoy each other’s company again. Because they realize their kid is like a loaded gun in their midst, firing whenever he wants. And they know that nobody can live peacefully with that. No marriage can work really strongly when that’s going on, because people are fatigued, angry, frustrated and afraid. The outcome of changing the child’s behavior is that parents communicate better. They feel better about their marriage and they feel better about themselves. I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times, and it can happen for you.



Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and blog published by the Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.

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The cost is the same, still receive the 30 day free trial and support through the efficient staff in Maine.  By purchasing your program through the site of Conscious, Effective Parenting, you are supporting a Mom who practices each day respect, conscious effective parenting.  A Mom who is dong what it takes to give her child the needed skills to manage her life in this world.

I was introduced to the Total Transformation through my good friend, Isabelle Zehnder , Positive Family Solutions. She recommended that I use this program in conjunction with the Coaching she was providing my child. 

Isabelle is the President and Founder of Coilition Against Institutionalized Child Abuse and Positive Family Solutions.  Our relationship began after I pulled my child from a Residential Treatment Facility that was failing to provide the needed care and protection to the young children placed in their care.  Isabelle's article published in 2005, after she had visited and interviewed some staff employees was my first realization that there was anything amiss at the facility.  It was months before I learned that I had been lied to when I asked about the report.  I had been told that there were no problems, all the information in the report was false and there was nothing to be concerned about.  Not only was the report true, the facilities inability to employ qualified staff created a situation where the children were in daily danger.

After I brought my child home, I contacted Isabelle.  On the surface, my child seemed to be better.  Things went fairly smooth until the anger began to boil again.  I needed to find a solution.  The Total Transformation provided me the "in the moment" tools I so lacked to be the parent my child needed. 

How can you change your child now?  By changing yourself.  Seems ironic and almost unbelieveable, yet upgrading our parental skills, understanding the "problem" child dynamic will bring about the change you are needing to experience to bring peace, respect and happiness back into your home.

Your 30 day free trial is waiting.  In doing so, you will also provide a small income to my family.  The extra we need to get us through my child's High School years!  She becomes a freshman next year, the future looks bright.  My efforts are showing positive results!  Your's can too!

When I first found The Total Transformation, I was relieved to have a 30 day trial.  I could listen and then decide whether it was worth it to buy the program.  After 30 days, I was scrambling to find a way to pay for it.  My first payment came from my 20 year old daughter who said, "This program makes a difference!  I'm giving you the first month's payment for your Birthday!" 

Finding the time & money are the two biggest traps or excuses parents trap fall into.  Convincing ourself that we CAN'T DO it, set us up for failure.  One of the parent seminars I attended taught, "What you Fear, you create".  Thinking about that one statement can provide the reality of what you have been living with your child and other aspects of your life.

Facing that fact that we need Tools for Change provides the courage to do what it takes to create the change we seek for ourself and our family.

I discovered that this program not only provided change between myself and my child, it gave me skills I use everyday in the business world. 

Ask yourself, what are you willing to do to create the change you seek?  Face your belief that it is hopeless.  Stop the lie that there is nothing you can do.  You can make the stretch financially and create the time.  

Time and money are the gifts that will bring the peace back in your home and your life! 

I never really thought about parenting as effective or ineffective.  The years I've spent raising my children has been about, "Get it Done!"  I assumed that children were resilient.  That children made the best of their life and that all would be right with their world.

Well, I found out that my consequences for my choices in life affected their existence.  The years I spent searching for answers were not spent in vain.  When I found The Total Transformation, I spent alot of time listening.  From the first advice of tell your child "Stop it don't talk to me like that" my relationship with all of my children began to change.


I started this website to supplement my income, plus give resources to other parents who are searching and struggling as I did.  My intent is to provide the information I have found while I sorted through the overwhelming Parenting information that is available.  

I am available if you want to contact me directly.  My email address is BWrightnReno@gmail.com.  I welcome all contact, comments or stories of your family.