1-You and your spouse have clear house rules that apply to all blended family members Yes, this means that house rules don’t change when you are tired, or your spouse is out of town.  Both biological children and stepchildren all follow the same rules.  It really does help when the parents also follow the same rules.  (Why does Dad get to eat in the living room when the rest of us can’t?) 

2-You hear laughter at meals

The kids are joking and comfortable enough to be a little silly at times.  Even if some of your kids are more outgoing, watch your introverted children respond by smiling to the antics of the louder children. 

3-All children are treated fairly and equally by their biological parent and their stepparent

The children are watching to see if you really love everyone the same, and will keep “tabs” on how you are doing! 

4-Your child is willing to introduce their stepparent to their teachers or friends

It’s awkward at first, but smile and praise your kids (later) when they are able to introduce their new stepparent and other members of their blended family to their friends and teachers. 

5-  Your stepsiblings talk to each other, when they are in the house together

With a newly blended family, silence may be the loudest noise in your home.  As kids become more used to their new family, they will gradually talk with their new stepsiblings.  Don’t automatically jump into the conversation.  Let them talk amongst themselves without realizing that you and your spouse are listening and rejoicing over their conversational attempts. 

6-You have more than one photo, in your house, with all members of your blended family in it, and everyone is smiling

I know some of you are laughing, but a newly blended family does NOT photograph well together.  There are lots of frowns, pouts, crossed arms and lowered heads.  Take candid shots of your kids, while they are enjoying an activity.  This is a great way to expose them to photos of your new family.  Display these candid shots around your home.  It takes a little while, but photographing your family, as a whole, is an important step for all.  You are stating to the world that this is my family, and I’m proud of it. 

7-  One of your kids walks in, with a bag full of snacks, and says “want some” to one of his stepsiblings

It’s just a common courtesy, but really important.  Your children are acknowledging that their stepsiblings are someone they care about, and are willing to share with these new family members. 

8-You have new family traditions that your blended family has developed, on their own

Both families came into the new blended family with memories of their own traditions, especially around the holidays.  Take time and share these memories, and develop slightly different traditions of your own.  Make sure all children have a part in the development of these traditions.   

9-A visiting child tells her parent that she had fun and asks, “When is the next time I visit you?”

When the visiting children feel at home, during their brief visits, and are looking forward to the next one, you have truly made some progress.  Make sure each child has some personal space of their own, when they visit.  Separate bedrooms are great, but not always practical. If you can keep a few personal items in their space (and make sure these items aren’t touched in their absence) this creates a sense of familiarity and also ownership, when they arrive for their visits. 

10-  The kids share a joke or an issue with each other

It may sound strange, but a group of kids teaming up against the parents is a sign of a successful blended family.  It’s O.K. to disagree, but seeing your children and stepchildren unite on any topic is quite exciting to watch and a wonderful accomplishment in your blending.



It’s Worth It!

Blending two families together can be quite a challenge, but is worth the effort. Seeing your two families come together as one unit is a fantastic accomplishment.  Not easy- but is it doable, with patience and persistence.



For more information on how to blend your step family- check out our book, Blended Family Advice Ebook by Shirley Cress Dudley. 

 


Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education.  She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful.  Visit our website for more help with your blended family issues.  http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com/ 

You are welcome to reprint this article, as long as it is reprinted, unedited, in it’s entirety, along with the bio at the end. Thank you

Shirley Cress Dudley provides information for Blended Families, sometimes it takes some new skills to redirect your family.  Give your family the gift of Peace. 

 
 

.Q: What do the other children in the family experience when they have a brother or sister who’s hostile or acts out chronically? James:
It’s traumatizing when something hurtful happens to you, and you can’t control it, you can’t stop it, you can’t predict how hurtful it’s going to be, and you can’t predict when or whether it’s going to happen. Children who grow up with a chronically defiant, oppositional sibling grow up in an environment of trauma.  They don’t know when they’re going to be verbally abused.  They don’t know when their things are going to be broken.  They don’t know when there’s going to be a major breakdown in the kitchen, and someone’s going to be restrained as they’re yelling and screaming.  Often, acting out kids target their siblings as sources of power. It makes them feel powerful to say mean or abusive things or to hurt their siblings. They like that feeling of power, so they do it over and over again. 

Several things happen in the mind of a child who lives with this kind of trauma.  First, the siblings of acting out kids become used to witnessing outbursts, and it has a negative effect on them in the long run.  These are people who grow up willing to accept higher levels of abuse in their marriages and their friendships.  They become desensitized to disrespect and abuse. They become numb to how it really feels to be called a name. They tolerate higher levels of disrespect and abuse in other areas of their life once they become adults.  Their ability to be assertive also diminishes.  READ Full Article