"Acceptance is not the same as Liking or being happy about or even condoning.  It is simply seeing something the way it is and saying, "That's the way it is."  It's seeing what's going on and saying, "That's what's going on." It's looking at something that's happening and saying, "That's what's happening."
Acceptance is realizing that to do other than accept is (A) painful and (B) futile.  Through non-acceptance we try to control the worldl.  We want our "shoulds", "musts," and demands to somehow rule the world.  It doesn't work.  It simply does not work."
You Can't Afford The Luxury of a Negative Thought, John-Roger & Peter McWilliams

Non-Acceptance leads to anger, frustration and chaos.  Ultimately, acheivements are given over to results that we really didn't want.  So how do you accept what is when you don't like it?  How do you learn to breathe, accept what is and still create the results you seek to create?  Start with the one person that you have control over, yourself.  Inventory, honestly whether you react to events that are perceived to be "out of control" .  To accept ourself comes first, in all levels of doing. 

"Give yourself and Acceptance Break throughout the day.  Accept everything around you, everything inside you, everything everthing.  Accept your thoughts,  Accept your thoughts about your thoughts and about your thoughts.  Accept whatever feeling you have, whatever sensations are in your body.  Don't try to change any of it--trying to change is a form of nonacceptance.," You Can't Afford The Luxury of a Negative Thought, John-Roger & Peter McWilliams
"When you learn patience with yourself, it's easy to extend it to tohers.  When you learn patience with others, be sure to extend it to yourself.  Enjoy the Moment.  How does one enjoy the mnoment?  By being patient.  An endless loop?  Sure.  And you can jump in at any point.  Come on in--the ocean's fine" You Can't Afford The Luxury of a Negative Thought, John-Roger & Peter McWilliams

Use each day for an opportunity to learn, accept, be patient with yourself.  Your realtionship with yourself, and those around you will begin to change.

James Lehman, Gut Check, Shame and Anger of Parenting
"I’ve worked with hundreds and hundreds of families in thirty years as a behavioral therapist. Many of whom had tried everything with their child—from getting advice from family to getting help through therapy—and nothing had been effective in turning around the problems. After years of being emotionally blackmailed by their kids, feeling held hostage by the problem, and feeling that the system has let them down, parents can feel powerless, and when they feel powerless, they lose hope. Hopelessness is the most dangerous emotion of all for parents because it breeds skepticism and slams the door on change.

If this is your situation, the message I have for you is that you have to keep trying, because your child is your greatest love and creation. If he’s not doing well, you need to try something different. If you’re going to somebody’s office and not getting help, go to another resource, or, better yet, bring the training into your home where the behavior problems are happening. Doing this could be the one different thing that opens the door to change in your child.

 
 

Hitting, Biting and Kicking:
How to Stop Aggressive Behavior in Young Children
by Dr. Joan Simeo Munson, Ph.D

“I’m not allowed to bring Ben to play group anymore,” said Sarah, whose son is now five years old. “The last time we went, he bit another boy who was playing with a truck Ben wanted. And the time before that, he hit a little girl across the face. I try to tell him 'no' but he just doesn’t listen, so I just end up apologizing for him. I’m starting to feel like the world’s worst parent because I can’t control him when he acts out.”



"It’s easy to respond to your child's aggression with yelling or anger, but remember, your child is looking to you for cues on how to control his impulses and have good behavior."

As parents, few situations are more difficult to deal with than having a child who is aggressive toward other children. It can be embarrassing as well as frightening when your child bites, hits, scratches or kicks to get his or her way. It’s not uncommon for younger children to engage in this type of behavior at various points in their development and in a variety of settings. However, when it becomes very frequent or seems to be their consistent way of reacting to something they don’t like, it’s time to step in and help them change their behavior. The first step is understanding the underlying reasons why your child is choosing to act out this way. The more you understand what’s happening, the better you’ll be able to help them find other, non-aggressive ways to solve their problems.

Initially, between the ages of 18 months to 2 years, children find it extremely hard to communicate their needs to their parents, caregivers, and other children. Negative behaviors are one way they may choose to get their point across. For older children between the ages of three and six, such behaviors may be the result of never having learned appropriate, non-aggressive ways of communicating when they were faced with a difficult situation. The cause of aggressive behaviors may be due to any or all of the following:

  • Self-defense
  • Being placed in a stressful situation
  • Lack of routine
  • Extreme frustration or anger
  • Inadequate speech development
  • Over-stimulation
  • Exhaustion
  • Lack of adult supervision
  • Mirroring the aggressive behaviors of other children around them
One place to begin is to watch your child for cues to see if any of the situations described above brings about aggressive behavior. Learning as much as you can about the factors that trigger bad behavior is the best way to combat it when it occurs next time. Some questions you should ask yourself:

  • Who does my child hit, bite or kick? Does he do it to one friend in particular? Does he only do it to me? Or does he tend to be aggressive with whomever he is with? If it’s one person in particular, try to find out if there’s a reason why he’s attacking that child such as engaging in overly aggressive play, a poor match of temperaments or a lack of clear cut rules before play begins.
  • Also, what seems to cause your child to act out in an aggressive fashion? Is it triggered by frustration, anger, or excitement? Notice if there are patterns. Does he act this way when toys are involved, and he’s frustrated about sharing? Or does he become aggressive when there is too much going on and he’s over-stimulated? If you observe the situations carefully, you will likely notice patterns.
  • Finally, how is his aggressiveness expressed? Is it through angry words or through angry behaviors? Does he become verbally aggressive first and then physically aggressive, or is his first response to strike out and hit?
By answering these questions, you are on your way to successfully limiting your child’s aggressive behavior in the future. In this article, I’ll outline some ways that you can help your child become more aware of his aggressive feelings and teach him to calm himself down, or find alternative ways to solve his problems. We’ll also talk about giving consequences to kids when they do lash out and hurt someone. In my experience, consequences are imperative to ending aggressive behavior in young children. They teach your child that all behaviors have a consequence, whether good or bad, and will help him make better choices in the future when he is with his friends. Once you’ve narrowed down the reasons why your child is behaving aggressively, it’s time to intervene.

Step in and Stop it Immediately

At the first sign that your child is about to become aggressive, immediately step in and remove him from the situation. Be careful not to give too much attention to your child so that you do not give any negative reinforcement for the bad behavior. Too much attention can include trying to “talk through” the problem. Young children are not able to hear long explanations of why their behavior was offensive. A simple yet firm statement such as, “We don’t bite” should suffice while you turn your attention to the victim. Other examples of too much attention include yelling at your child while attending to the victim, forcing your child to apologize immediately or continuing to talk to the other parents around you about how embarrassed or angry you are. Make a point of consoling the victim and ignoring the aggressor. If your child cannot calm down, remove him or her from the situation without getting angry yourself. When they are calm and ready to talk, you can discuss what happened. If it’s physically impossible to remove your child, you will have to remove yourself and the victim from the situation. By walking an age-appropriate distance away from your child after he has acted out, you are sending the message that you will attend to him when he can calm down. In doing so, you are teaching your child that it is his responsibility to learn to calm himself and act appropriately.

Lower Your Voice—Don’t Raise It

As parents, we need to show self-control and use gentle words if we want our kids to do the same. It’s easy to respond with yelling or anger, but remember, your child is looking to you for cues on how to control his impulses and have good behavior. While it can be terribly embarrassing to have a child that continues to act out towards their friends, keep in mind that their negative behavior is most likely happening because they are still navigating their way through their social circles. This can be very difficult for some kids, so try not to over-react or personalize it.

One technique that works very well for some children is to change the tone and volume of your voice.You can help your child stay calm by immediately lowering your voice when attending to the victim as well as to your child. If he is unable to calm down, before helping the victim, turn to him and say quietly, “I need you to calm down now. I am going to help Josh and when I am done I want you to be done screaming.” For some kids this will work, and when your child returns to you, calm and collected, feel free to quietly praise him, saying, “Thank you for calming yourself down. We don’t bite. It hurt Josh and he is sad.” Repeat the phrase “We don’t bite” and inform your child that if it happens again, the consequence is that you will leave. If this does not work for your child and he simply cannot calm down, leave him where he is (again, at an age-appropriate distance) and ignore the tantrum. Most young children will not continue to act out if they no longer have an audience.

Practice Ways to De-fuse your Child’s Anger
For younger kids, help them recognize their anger by stating, “I know you're mad, but we don’t hit. No hitting!” For children aged 3-7, talk about anger as an important feeling. You can practice ways to de-fuse your child's anger during calmer moments. You can say, “Sometimes I get angry too. When that happens, I say ‘I’m angry’ and I leave the room.” You can also teach your child how to count to ten until he is less angry, how to do deep breathing in order to calm down, or how to use his words by making statements such as “I am really, really angry right now!” All of these methods help take the immediate focus off of your child’s anger and teach them to recognize this important emotion. Before you enter into a potentially difficult social situation, review the consequences with your child about what will happen if he cannot control his anger. Tell your child, “I feel you can handle your anger, but if you can’t, we will have to leave the park and not come back until next week. Do you understand?” Make certain that you follow through with whatever consequences you pose to your child.

Teach Kids that Aggression is Wrong
It’s also important to talk to your children about aggression during a calm moment. In a steady voice, explain to your child that hitting, biting, kicking, and other aggressive behaviors are wrong. For younger children, those between 18 months and 2 years, keep it simple. Hold them and explain, “No hitting. It is wrong.” Remember that you may have to repeat this rule numerous times, using the same words, until your child gets it. Be firm and consistent each time your child becomes aggressive. Have a plan in place for consequences if aggressive behavior starts. At home, this can include a time-out chair away from the rest of the family where your child can stay until he can calm down. If you are away from home, pick a safe place, such as a time-out in a car seat or another place where your child is removed from the fun. This reinforces that you are not tolerating aggression in any form.

For older children, those between 3 and 7, remember that they may be experimenting with cause and effect. In other words, they want to see what you will do when they act out. It’s your job to provide the consequences for the "effect" to work. Since older children are more verbal, you can use a variety of phrases when they misbehave. Examples include, “Biting is not OK,” or “Hitting hurts others. You need to stop.” It is okay to tell your little biter/hitter/kicker that once he misbehaves, he’s lost a privilege for the day. Consequences can include leaving a play date immediately or losing video time.

Tell Your Child to “Use Your Words”

Many times kids who display aggressive behaviors simply lack the communication skills necessary to help them through a stressful situation. For a young child, biting or hitting someone is a whole lot easier! Plus, aggressive behaviors often give children a false sense of power over their peers. It’s up to you to work diligently with your child so that he or she can practice the art of diplomacy in a tough situation. Help your child find their voice when they feel like acting out. By explaining and then practicing using their words, you are helping them to trade off aggressive behavior in favor of more socially acceptable behavior. Some examples are:

  • Teach your child to say “No!” to their peers instead of acting aggressively. Too often a child reacts negatively to a friend or sibling instead of asserting themselves. By using the simple word “no,” you are helping your child to get his point across verbally, not aggressively.
  • Give your child a series of phrases to use with their friends when they are feeling angry or frustrated. Some examples are, “No, that’s mine,” “I don’t like that!” or “Stop! That hurts.” This helps your child substitute words for striking out.
Before you enter a situation that you know may cause your child to act aggressively (i.e., a play date or daycare) remind your child to “Use your words.” Repeat this to your child throughout the course of the week when you feel they are getting frustrated.

Recognize Your Child’s Limitations

This means knowing when to leave a potentially volatile situation or choosing to engage your child in a different activity to avoid aggressive confrontations. If you know that your child targets a particular child at play group, you may have to hold off going to play group for a few weeks until he learns to control himself. Or, if certain videos, games, or activities frustrate your child, remove them from your daily routine to see if this has a placating effect on your child’s behavior. Finally, if your child is exhausted, hungry, or over-stimulated, respect that and engage in low-key, slow-paced activities that will make aggression less likely. With your older, more verbal child, talk openly about situations that make him angry and work together to come up with solutions to help him through the problem next time.

Be Appreciative of their Efforts

When you catch your child being good, be sure to praise their hard work and efforts. For instance, if you observe your children in a power struggle over a toy that ends in them working it out peacefully with their friend, tell them how proud you are that they chose to use their words instead of resorting to aggression to get their way. Look for and continue to praise good behavior as a way to motivate your children to do better next time.

What Not to Do

  • Never bite or hit back. It can be tempting to want to teach your child a lesson in how it feels to be the victim of aggression, but when you succumb to a childlike form of communication, you are teaching your child that aggression is the answer to resolving a conflict. Even though it’s difficult, try your best to maintain your composure.
  • Do not expose your child to violent television or video games. Too often TV and videos portray the most violent character as the hero, which sends the message that violence is a means to an end for problem-solving. This message can easily be avoided if you are on top of their viewing habits. While TV or video violence may not affect some kids, it may greatly influence others who have a tendency to act out aggressively with their friends. By knowing your child’s temperament and what he or she can withstand, you are helping them on their way towards their best behavior possible.
  • Do not personalize your child’s bad behavior. All too often parents get frustrated and angry at their child when they are aggressive, because many times we feel that our child’s poor behavior is a reflection of our parenting skills. If you have an aggressive child, switch your focus towards helping them express themselves in a more appropriate way and follow through when an incident occurs.
When Aggression is Extreme

While aggression can be normal in many children, you should be aware of when your child’s behavior has gone beyond the scope of what is considered within the normal boundaries for their developmental level. Look for the following signs in your child:

  • A pattern of defiant, disobedient, or hostile behavior towards you or other authority figures such as teachers or day care providers. A pattern means behavior that is not fleeting, but is chronic and does not respond to the above interventions.
  • Loses their temper easily
  • Constantly argues with adults
  • Deliberately engages in activities that knowingly annoy others
  • Blames others
  • Acts annoyed or is chronically touchy
  • Exhibits ongoing anger
  • Acts spiteful or vindictive
It is important to recognize that all young children may exhibit any or all of the above problems at some point during their development. However, if your child persistently displays these behaviors and it affects their daily functioning, such as their ability to behave at school or maintain friendships, contact your pediatrician, as it may indicate that they have other psychological problems that need attention. In this case, you will need to have your child evaluated by a mental health professional.

Parenting an aggressive child can be one of the greatest challenges you will face as you weave your way through the maze of his or her development. Even though it may seem like it at times, it’s not impossible to teach your child new and appropriate ways to interact with other children and the adults around them. The key is developing a clear, uncomplicated, consistent plan and following it in a composed manner. Remember: the best example of appropriate behavior is you, and your young child is watching.

Joan Simeo Munson has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology and is the co-author of the forthcoming 50 Plus One Great Life Lessons to Teach Your Children. Over the years, Dr. Munson has worked with incarcerated individuals, families, adolescents, and college students in a variety of settings, including county and city jails, community mental health centers, university counseling centers, and hospitals. She also has a background in individual, group, and couples counseling. Dr. Munson received her Ph.D. from The University of Denver, her Master of Arts degree in Community Counseling from George Washington University, and her Bachelor of Arts degree in Sociology from the University of Illinois. Dr. Munson lives in the Boulder area with her husband and three energetic children, ages ten, eight, and five.

 
 

Top Five Concerns for Back to School
by Elisabeth Wilkins, Empowering Parents Editor

Last month, we invited readers to email us with their “Number One Concern” for their child in the upcoming school year. Our Parental Support Line staff responded to each inquiry with suggestions based on the Total Transformation and Total Focus Programs.

Overwhelmingly, the top concern was unmotivated children (Thus, our lead article this month.)

What’s on the minds of parents as the school year approaches and kicks off? 

1. Unmotivated children.

2. Paying attention and behaving in class.

3. How to get kids out of bed in the morning.

4. Homework problems: teaching kids to bring it home, do it, hand it in on time and not hate it.

5. Bullying behavior, from both sides of the fence.

Grace, one of our Parental Support Line Specialists, had these suggestions for a reader who’s concerned about her son’s classroom behavior and his ongoing refusal to bring home assignments and do homework:

We are so often presented with issues surrounding school, homework and academic performance, and we understand how this can become a family struggle.



"The goal is to work with the child where they are and move forward."

The Total Transformation Program teaches that in an “Environment of Accountability” everyone has a job.Your child’s job is to go to school and make grades.The household privileges the child enjoys is their “pay” for doing their job. The ability to enjoy television time, time playing with friends, games or other things is dependent upon them performing their “job” on a day-to-day basis.

If you must use loss of privilege as a consequence for failing to meet the goal on a particular day, make the consequence for that day only. Incorporate development of a strategy for doing and turning in homework. Have the child make a commitment to use the strategy the next day, and make that part of the plan. In this regard, you become your child’s “coach” in learning how to be more successful at this and their “cheerleader” when they succeed. 

If you know that your son is capable of performing at a higher level academically, we have to look at setting up an organizational plan for the upcoming school year. This may require your and his teachers’ involvement as well as setting up a reward system. This may feel a bit juvenile to you, but remember that it is a temporary thing and you are simply coaching and supporting your son in achieving goals.

It may be helpful for you to have a sign-off sheet that his teacher can quickly initial when your son hands in homework. If you are able to track homework sent home and homework passed in and are willing to follow up with your son every day, you can provide a reward for a certain number of check marks or initials, indicating his successful follow through. Discuss in advance a reward that is reasonable to you and one that your son is willing to work toward. 

Very often we have to modify, re-evaluate and reassess goals, and that's okay. The goal is to work with the child where they are and move forward. Sometimes kids are able to make leaps and gains quickly; other times we may find that we have to exercise every bit of patience and consistency that we have as parents to help the child even make a baby step. Be gentle with yourself and remember that the Parental Support Line is always available for you as you go through this process to help you get the most of The Total Transformation Program.

In response to one parent’s question on getting her child out of bed in the morning, Parental Support Line Specialist Kathy offered this advice:

Part of the solution for making early mornings stress-free starts the night before. Using the Total Transformation approach of "Consequences," preparation can be made the night before to avoid lots of last minute decisions…In other words, clothes laid out, breakfast choices made, etc. These tasks could be done the night before, prior to watching TV, going online, etc. are allowed.

The same businesslike approach can be used for waking up in the morning. That is, during a family meeting, inform the child what should be arranged the night before (see above.) In the same way, getting up when the alarm rings should be followed by a privilege somewhere during that day. An example might be:  If your child gets up when the alarm rings, they can have breakfast made for them, rather than making their own…OR they can expect to get a ride to school instead of taking the bus. If these scenarios are not practical, how about a privilege such as letting your child go online for 5 minutes before school if he or she gets up when the alarm rings?

Remember, though, it’s not so much about the perfect consequence. It’s about ending the power struggle. And the more businesslike you are in the morning (even though that’s tough!) the better role model you’ll be for starting the day off in a more positive way.

Our Parental Support Line Specialist Tina had this suggestion for the parent of a teenager who won’t get up in the morning: 

The Total Transformation Program teaches that a good place to start would be to sit down with your son and identify any behaviors or situations that interfere with his success.  For example, is he sending text messages to his friends all night? Identifying obstacles will not only help your child, but allow you to set up limits as needed.  Encourage him to avoid certain pitfalls and help him devise a strategy that will work better.  For instance, you can say, “Since texting your friends all night seems to make it hard for you to get up in the morning, no texting past 10pm.”  Make sure that you let your child know it is his responsibility to get up on time for his job and don't get discouraged if you don't achieve success right away.  It usually takes repeating the process of coming up with a plan, putting it to use and then looking at what might need to change for the next time around. 

To a parent who is worried about her son being bullied again this year in elementary school, Don, our Director of Quality Assurance wrote: 

It’s going to be important to review this problem with the school. When you do, get a contact or resource person that your son can use to help him at school when he is encountering this problem. The Total Transformation Program would encourage you to teach him a specific method for walking away from the kids who are bullying him and getting help with this from his teachers. This is a strategy that may need to be practiced several times at home and with his resource person at school before he’ll become comfortable implementing it himself.

One other thing that you’ll need to teach him is that just because the other kids are saying hurtful things, it doesn’t make them true. You’ll need to reinforce those qualities about him that make him unique and special so that he has a strong enough ego to withstand these hurtful, mean encounters with other children. It is important that he sees that he has a way out of these situations so that he doesn’t shut down. It is important that you praise and reward him when he handles these situations appropriately. 

On the flip side of this issue, we heard from parents who want help with teaching their children not to bully other kids for the sake of being “popular.” Kathy had this practical advice:

Parents can make “Family Rules” about most subjects, and this could apply to cliques and bullying. Parents might think about what their values are in terms of being kind to others. Is it as important to you as other issues in your family, such as housework, being polite, etc.?  If so, you might tell your children how you feel. You might even have consequences if you find out they have been unkind to others. 

You could be “business-like” about this issue. In other words, you could say something like:  “We all want to be popular. However, in this family we want to value some things as being more important than popularity. That means we won’t allow bullying or being friends with people who do bully. If you feel pressure to do it, come to us and we’ll find an alternative response for you to use instead of being unkind.”More Parenting Articles Here

 
 

.Q: What do the other children in the family experience when they have a brother or sister who’s hostile or acts out chronically? James:
It’s traumatizing when something hurtful happens to you, and you can’t control it, you can’t stop it, you can’t predict how hurtful it’s going to be, and you can’t predict when or whether it’s going to happen. Children who grow up with a chronically defiant, oppositional sibling grow up in an environment of trauma.  They don’t know when they’re going to be verbally abused.  They don’t know when their things are going to be broken.  They don’t know when there’s going to be a major breakdown in the kitchen, and someone’s going to be restrained as they’re yelling and screaming.  Often, acting out kids target their siblings as sources of power. It makes them feel powerful to say mean or abusive things or to hurt their siblings. They like that feeling of power, so they do it over and over again. 

Several things happen in the mind of a child who lives with this kind of trauma.  First, the siblings of acting out kids become used to witnessing outbursts, and it has a negative effect on them in the long run.  These are people who grow up willing to accept higher levels of abuse in their marriages and their friendships.  They become desensitized to disrespect and abuse. They become numb to how it really feels to be called a name. They tolerate higher levels of disrespect and abuse in other areas of their life once they become adults.  Their ability to be assertive also diminishes.  READ Full Article

 
 

The 3 Things Your Child Learns from Yelling: James Lehmen, Total Transformation

1.  Your child learns that his parents can lose control—and that by pushing the right buttons, he can get you to lose control. Make no bones about it, once you've started using yelling as a behavioral management tool, you’ve told your child everything he needs to know about pushing your buttons.
2.  Your child learns that power is how things get done. More precisely, he learns that overpowering somebody is the easiest way to get things done.
3.  Your child learns how to shut you off. Mentally and emotionally, he quickly learns how to stop listening when the yelling starts.

There are two ways people shut down emotionally during an argument: they either stop paying attention and reject what they’re hearing, or they start yelling back. When people yell, usually they are not feeling anything but anger, hostility or frustration. And during a screaming match, certainly no one is doing much—if any—listening.  Read Full Article;



 

 
 

The Brain That Changes Itself, Dr. Norman Doidge and Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz is a ground breaking work about the plasticity of the brain. In other words, the ability of the brain to change itself.  The ability exists for a person to be aware that they can refocus their awareness and get beyond their disability.

The brain's ability to "rewire" itself is a reality that is now being understood.  Three audio interviews speak of this breakthrough and will provide the listener with Dr. Norman Doidge, himself speaking of the progress,

This work will show that the methods used in The Total Transformation, James Lehman
and The Total Focus give parents and children the tools to use the concepts of The Brain That Changes Itself.

 
 

  The Ripple Effect of Defiant Behavior: When Parents
Pay the Price
by James Lehman, MSW

James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation Program, examines the effects of acting out behavior on parents and the family, and reveals how to calm the storm in the home.

Q: A child’s behavior problems can cause disturbances in a family beyond the relationship between the parent and the child, can’t they? I’ve had friends whose marriage suffered when their child started acting out. Is that common?

James:
One of the unseen costs of an acting out kid is all the different ways that the child’s behavior affects the family. Unfortunately, the effects on the family aren’t viewed by society, the courts or the school system as really relevant. So there’s not a lot of support built in for the family. They’ll determine that the family is “sick,” and then the family has to go to therapy. But I’ve met many families who were feeling the effects of behavior problems, and the family wasn’t sick. The problem was all the repercussions from the kid’s behavior.

Picture what happens when you drop a stone into a pond and you see the ripples. Now picture that stone being dropped in again and again so that the ripples keep expanding and expanding. A child with behavior problems is like the stone in the pond. Every time he acts out, it’s like another stone being dropped into that pond. The ripples get bigger and more frequent in the family. He can’t solve problems any other way than acting them out. His main skills are defiance, manipulation and dishonesty, because he doesn’t know any other way to solve his problems or to deal with the realities in his life, which are, admittedly, often very painful. But no matter how painful his problems are, a child still has to take responsibility and learn to solve them.

Marital conflicts emanate from child behavior problems almost always. One parent blames the other. What happens is that parents tend to look at each other through the “window” of the child. Instead of looking directly at each other, they look at each other through the kid’s behavior. When you’re in pain and uncomfortable and you look at somebody else through that kind of pain and discomfort, it distorts how they look to you. And it distorts how you feel about them. So you often find one parent blaming another or thinking the other parent isn’t doing it the right way or not doing enough.

When this acting out occurs, it can start to push parents toward the edge of their relationship, testing how strong it is and how solid they are. Ideally you would like to think that it bonds parents together, but it doesn’t happen that way. The behavior tends to split the parents.

 

Q: And the more split the parents become, the more problems develop in the family around that division. When this is going on, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by all the chaos in the family. How do you get through that chaos and get to the root of the problem?

James:
What parents need is a process by which they can be unified. I recommend that parents agree on certain principles and look at the actions that come from those principles. If our principle is, Johnny has to take responsibility for his behavior, then let’s all act that way and not worry about all the other issues that ripple out from that. Johnny has to take responsibility for his behavior, so let’s focus on that one thing. Let’s teach him problem solving skills. If there is a crisis, let’s handle it responsibly and productively. Responsibly means nobody gets hurt. And productively means that everybody can learn a lesson from it.

Once the family starts to deal with the child’s problem, the problems secondary to his behavior start to settle down. Whether the secondary problems are the parent’s communication, the other children’s safety and behavior or the financial strain that occurs when you have a kid who’s acting out, those things tend to subside, once you focus on the behavior problem.

So parents need to be able to communicate and not look at their relationship through the child. Rather, begin to look at your child through your relationship. See yourselves as a team. Parents find that the behavior calms down when they start working more like a team. First, because they find the common solution. They find something that works and that’s helping their child. Second, the family stressors go down. They’re able to deal with the normal stress of taking kids to soccer, taking kids to guitar practice or whatever they normally do. And they’re not dealing with the stressors of crisis, calls from the school, going down to the police station, or trips to the hospital or the emergency room.

When I work with parents and talk to them about being a team, I find they get really in touch with that. They're eager to find a way to enjoy each other’s company again. Because they realize their kid is like a loaded gun in their midst, firing whenever he wants. And they know that nobody can live peacefully with that. No marriage can work really strongly when that’s going on, because people are fatigued, angry, frustrated and afraid. The outcome of changing the child’s behavior is that parents communicate better. They feel better about their marriage and they feel better about themselves. I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times, and it can happen for you.



Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and blog published by the Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.

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